Tug of War

• I have a very good relationship with my daughters-in-law. For the most part, when my sons call me I tell them to work it out with their wives and counsel together. I always encourage them to have patience and realize that they are young and it is hard at first to find a balance between the wife's family rules and the family rules my sons grew up with. Polska explained it this way, "As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules'" (2000). This transition shows up in the marriages of my four sons who are married. 

• They all have had to adjust to the changes in their lives, but I am proud of how they have exercised patience and compassion as they approach these conflicts in family rules. I understand how difficult it can be to find balance. In Harper's book, he mentions, "Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife's mother giving the main tug on one end and the husband's mother at the other end. If this is the case, it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle" (p. 328). 

• However, my approach to a recent situation was not a bright shining example of a good mother-in-law. My only daughter was married to a man who exercised passive-aggressive abuse in their marriage.  They worked hard for 10 years to come to a healthy place in their marriage, but ultimately things fell apart. My daughter made some bad choices to try to escape the loneliness in her marriage, and my ex-son-in-law continued with his narcissistic attitudes toward his wife. So, they decided to divorce. 

Fast forward four years later, my daughter lost primary custody of her son through terrible lawyers on her side and a very good lawyer on his side. She has visitation for summer, Christmas and spring break. It is heartbreaking seeing how much she misses her son and how much my grandson misses his mother. Usually, it is the father who goes through this kind of misery, but in my daughter's case, she is the one who is always on the short end of the stick. Many tears are shed because of the lack of time that she gets with her son.

This spring break was unusually long because of the schools being out for sheltering in place to slow the spread of COVID-19. My daughter pleaded with her ex-husband to let her have more time with her son since he was not in school, but there was no give on the matter. She wanted to stand her ground, but ultimately the law was on his side. He called the cops and they called her and threatened her with arrest. 

• This is where I didn't exercise my good judgment and tried to advocate for my daughter. I called my ex-son-in-law and asked him to consider that it was not such a terrible thing for my daughter to spend more time with her son. He did not respond and hung up on me. I went through much sorrow watching my daughter suffer and the feelings of animosity increased toward a son-in-law, who I loved for many years. After reflection, I realize that I should have not got caught up in the fray of a custody dispute. The feelings of ill toward a son are not worth it.  Overstepping my bounds as a mother-in-law proved to be detrimental to my own peace and the peace between the two families.

Ultimately, the child caught in the middle will always pay the price. My daughter thinks that the divorce was a mistake because he has more power to hurt her now than he ever did when they were married. I don't know why the primary custody holder of the child has to go on such a power trip. I know this situation will not get better until my grandson is 18, but I know that I can exercise proper boundaries as a mother-in-law and not get caught up in the power struggle. 

Harper in his book said, "parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son-or daughter-in-law" (2005). I think this also applies to children who are divorced. I'm determined to do this from this time and into the future.

• The grandma on the other side was a good example to me. After calling her to ask her to advocate for my daughter and talk to her son, she said, "We need to stay out of it and just be grandma and grandpa." She was absolutely right! My interference did nothing but break my heart, and it changed nothing. I wrote this post to solidify my determination to never do that again. If I ever find myself slipping back into becoming a buttinsky, I will go back and read what I wrote here. This will remind me to just be a grandma. 

Harper, J. M. (2005). Helping and Healing Our Families. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Poduska, B. E. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing Finances, Feelings and Family. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

Cutting the Apron Strings

• I often say to my friends who have young children and are struggling with the daily chaos, “It is easier to raise young children than adult children.” This is because they are still a big part of your life, but you have little say in the matter. In an address given at the BYU Conference of Family Life, (2008) Richard B. Miller stated, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” This is so true but I often long for the days when my children were all tucked around me safe and sound inside of the wings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Not only can we not expect them to obey us, but we really have no control over the things they do or the choices they make. The time for parents to control their children’s lives is over. I hope I have taught them sufficiently and they will make healthy choices.
• As painful as it is to let them make their own choices, it is ultimately the right and healthy thing to do as parents of adult children. Miller suggests, “It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families” (2008). We have tried to do this with our adult children and have always encouraged them to turn towards each other instead of us. We do give them counsel when they need support and comfort, but I always encourage them to turn to their Heavenly Father for the answers they are seeking. It is difficult to see them making decisions that will give them unhappiness, but they are often insistent they know what they need. The hardest thing about being a parent of adults is letting them make their own choices. They don’t have the life experience that we do, and they will make mistakes. It is comforting when they lean on you for advice and wisdom, but they will make their own choices. All we can do as a parent is to be there when they need a soft place to fall and to pray for them every day.

Photo: Courtesy of ABC/YouTube

• There is nothing so painful as witnessing an unhealthy parent-child relationship. This was magnified in a recent reality television show when the mother of the “Bachelor” insisted which of the women he should choose for his wife. The “Bachelor” decided to choose the one his mother wanted, but the engagement didn’t last for more than a month. This mother-in-law was labeled a villain by the viewers for her attempt to control her son. This made me realize that I cannot choose the spouses that my children marry and that any attempt to will most likely result in the son pushing away the future daughter-in-law of your choosing. Who says that you cannot learn anything from reality T.V.? (I know don’t condemn me for my reality indulgence.)
• President Kimball as quoted in Miller’s article said, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands, as well as wives, return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).” He says here that children can cherish parents' counsel, but ultimately, they need to make their own decisions.
• I still say that raising adult children is the most demanding thing that I have ever done, but I must trust that the Lord loves them more than I do. He will watch over them and gently guide them home to live with God and our forever family. This is my hope and prayer that His eye is continually upon them. I will be patient and cheer for them at a distance and love them when they arrive at my doorstep.

Marriage and Fidelity

             As a couple that has been married for 33 years, I have seen threats to our marriage come and go. I would like to mention a few things that have safeguarded our marriage and have kept us together for this life and all eternity.

• Remember to spend time together.

Life gets busy as we all know it and it seems like date night can go by the wayside. Financial difficulties, work and children demands pull at our attention, and just plain exhaustion can make going out on a date an unnecessary indulgence. But I would say that it is not an indulgence, but an essential need for a couple to have alone time together, without the kids. As much as you love your kids and would trust them with no one else, getting a babysitter is not only good for them but good for your marriage. The friendship that you kindle during your date nights will strengthen you through the rough trials of life. In Gottman’s book, he mentions date night, “This just-the-two-of-you time can be relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

                If you neglect date night you are putting your relationship at risk as a couple will grow apart. You will not be up to date with the dreams and goals of your partner and this distance will leave your precious marriage open to the adversary, who will swoop in to cause discord. Temple attendance for date night can be an especially bonding experience as couples remember their sealing and the covenants that they made together. Think of it as not neglecting your children for an evening but protecting them against an adversary that would destroy your marriage.

• Avoid spending time with “friends” of the opposite sex alone without your spouse. Although this kind of friendly interaction with other people may seem innocent, it opens your marriage up for the adversary to tempt and try a couple into infidelity. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and school buddies, but couples should resist this kind of rekindling of friendship. In an Ensign article, “Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, it states. Jane began a friendship with her coworker and said, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” insisted Jane when family members voiced concern over the time she was spending with a male co-worker. “We’re just friends.” This is the beginning of an opening for the adversary to work in your marriage. What may seem innocent at first can soon become a valued friendship, and then love can form in this friendship.

                With that love, the comparison of one’s spouse to the friendship is not a fair comparison because there is so much more involved in a marriage, like finances and children than in a friendship, where the only focus is each other. The comparison between the spouse and the friend will lead to emotional infidelity and eventually physical infidelity. In the story above, “What Jane didn’t realize was how hurt and upset Aaron felt at what she was doing. He felt betrayed and rejected and was even beginning to worry that Jane didn’t love him anymore. Jane talked as though their marriage was strong but, by her actions, she seemed to care more about her co-worker than her husband.”

                What might seem as an innocent friendship is damaging to a marriage and couples should consider not investing in these kinds of relationships outside of marriage? If a couple is to have friends, it should always include both members of the marriage with a friendship of another couple. One on one friendships outside of marriage is asking for trouble.

• Invest your heart and soul into your spouse. Little gestures that help you turn toward each other are key to keeping a marriage strong. Gottman mentions the magic six hours every week. Some of his council is: When your husband comes home, make sure to welcome him with open arms, no matter how hard the day has been caring for the children. When you depart each day pray together, kiss and hug for at least 6 seconds. Show love and appreciation each day for your spouse. A thank you and I appreciate you go a long way. Criticism gets you nowhere and only hurts feelings. Have a family council week to set your goals for the week and for eternity. Gottman says, “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 279). If you will work on your marriage and put energy into it, you will be able to be married for 33 years and beyond. It is possible, but it must be purposeful.

References:

Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, Ensign.

Gottman, John, M. The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, New York, 1999. 

Gridlock

One afternoon coming home from church we walked in the door and my husband started to complain about how messy the house was and that we needed to clean it. I did not respond well to this criticism and started pulling things off the refrigerator that had become cluttered with pictures and school projects from the kids. My husband responded with an increase in anger and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and escalated the situation by tossing plates onto the tile shattering them into hundreds of pieces. We were all in on this one and only my teenaged son coming between us caused us to calm down. Not a pretty sight and I am not proud of how I handled the situation, but the struggle over the level of cleanliness brought us to gridlock every time we approach the subject.

            So, I decided to use the dream exercise in Gottman’s book to discover what made this subject such a hot topic. Gottman stated, "gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of" (1999, p 238). His dream was to live in a home where he did not have to wade through piles of dishes and laundry every time he came home. He grew up in a home where they were extremely poor, and this fact caused his parents to horde every resource they could get a hold of in case they needed it. He wanted this to never be an issue in his family, so when there is a little disorder it triggers this feeling of hopelessness in his mind. Gottman said, "Our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood" (1999, p  238). I could see that my husband's childhood had a deep impact on how he felt about his home. He did not want to live in the clutter in his married life. 

            My dream was that people would always be more important than the dishes in the sink. My mother always has a tidy house, but she was never afraid to leave the mess behind to go on an adventure with her children. She always put us first over the dishes and the laundry. This was my dream that my first priority was to spend time with my children. If the toys were out and scattered, then that meant that we had an enjoyable day of play.

            When we took the time to understand each other’s dreams our gridlock became movable. I would make more effort to keep a tidy house and my husband agreed to not complain if things were out of place. I found that understanding the dream that he was coming from made it easier to make the effort to create an orderly home. He agreed that most of the time the house was clean and he agreed that he would make more effort to help and if he found something that was bothering him that he would clean it up instead of complaining about it.

            I was pleased with the transformation of our gridlock and find that we have left that gridlocked issue behind us. I am grateful for the strategies that I have learned in this class and intend to continue to improve and enrich my marriage for years to come.

Perpetual Problems

            According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p 138). In my experience, I would have to say that this is accurate. I’ll tell you a funny story to illustrate. One summer about 10 years ago I was enjoying mowing my yard. We had just purchased a new lawnmower and had just built a new house. I was loving the wide-open spaces in my new yard and not really paying attention to the detail of mowing the lawn. When my husband got home, he stormed in the house and yelled, “Which one of you kids didn’t move the sprinklers when you mowed the lawn?” Knowing that I was the culprit and not my kids, I sheepishly raised my hand. Not knowing that he was cussing out his wife, he said, “Oh, it was you. I guess that’s okay. I’ll just go and fix it.” I was glad that he had backed down to his complaint, but at the time I was pretty miffed.

            Now looking back, I can laugh at the incident, but I knew then just as I do now that he sees things differently than I do. He likes things exactly right and I don’t really pay much attention to how straight and tidy things need to be. We talked about this over the weekend when I asked him if this was a perpetual problem. He agreed that it was, but he decided in the last few years that he would make it perfect if he wanted it perfect, and I decided that I am trying harder to make things tidy. We still disagree over the level of cleanliness and order in the house, but we have learned to be softer in our approach to each other concerning this problem.

            I think that more than half of our problems are perpetual, but we have learned to love each other through our shortcomings. As Gottman stated, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming” (138). I agree. I couples are willing to find solutions to immovable problems they find themselves laughing about miss-cut grass instead of fighting about it.

Beware of Pride

In 1989 the Prophet President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called “Beware of Pride.” In his address, during the May 1989 conference, he made some very poignant prophecies about pride. The first statement that impacted me was:

• President Benson's first point, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

There are times when we are proud of our children and their accomplishments such as graduation.

But in President Benson’s talk, he says that there are no positive applications of pride. He said, “In the scriptures, there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby.” Therefore, it is understanding pride and knowing when it is creeping up on us in our lives and in our marriage that will help us overcome the cycle of pride.

• The second point, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

One of the pride games that we as a couple have played in the past is scorekeeping. My spouse and I tend to keep track of who has had the hardest week at work, and according to this measure who should do the dishes. Housework has always been a competition and now that both of us are working we keep score on who has done the most in the house recently. I caught myself feeling that way after a long weekend of working and getting home late Saturday night to a sink full of dishes. But instead of feeling picked on after a 70-hour week, I simply put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. When my husband came down after getting ready for church, he apologized for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. I simply said it is okay. I was grateful at that point that I put my pride aside and took five minutes to tidy up instead of complaining. I was grateful for the chapter I had just read that helped me see this pride game in my life. Our Sunday was pleasant, and we were able to turn toward each other because I was willing to put my pride aside. My love increased for my husband because I was able to serve him and he, in turn, cooked dinner for the family.

             

• Finally, President Benson stated: “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are” (May 1998 General Conference).

Sunday would have gone much differently if I had complained or criticized. The price paid would have been contention on one of our precious days of rest. The outcome would have been a feeling between us of competition instead of love. I can be humbler in my approach to my husband when it comes to housework. I can count my blessings that he does help a lot. He does a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and cooking. I do the laundry, dishes, and bathrooms. When I take the time to be humble and see these things, I can see better that the division of work is very fair and equitable. I thank the Lord every day for a spouse that is as caring and kind as my husband.

We all need to beware of pride and take a close and honest look at how pride affects our families and our relationship with our spouse. Forgiveness and humility can be effective tools to combat pride. I know that some of my most sorrowful times were the result of pride, however, when the Lord humbles me I am healed through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Turning Toward Each Other

         I was reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and I read about his principle #3. He explained, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…Many people think that the secret to reconnection with their partner is a vacation by the sea…[but] it only takes a small gesture to… turn towards each other.” When I read this, I was impacted by the simplicity of this principle. 

• When we were first married my husband would often make bids for attention that I was not paying attention too. I had many toddlers around me, and my focus was on them. He would often say that I was a little icy when it came to my affection for him. I hated it when he said that and did not really know what to do with that information. So, as most wives would, I just kept going the way I was going. I resented the fact that he was not satisfied with my efforts to be affectionate with him. I didn't understand what I was doing that was wrong. So, I focused on my boys and put this concern to the side. I had six boys, and this was overwhelming, to say the least. I was focused on them for the time being. 

           Then, As I read this principle if realized that this is what he meant. When he would make bids for my attention I could respond with little gestures or acts of kindness to fill his need for my affection. This week I focused on paying attention to his bids for attention and I found that he was responsive and affectionate back. This all happened in little minutes here and there. He would ask about dinner and I would tell him what we were having. Then I found that we would join in a team effort to make dinner. The interaction was wonderful. We were turning towards each other and spending valuable time together fixing a meal. 

• Such a small thing, but I have noticed a big difference in how he responds to me, and I especially noticed that I felt differently about him also. No longer was I resentful for his request, but my paradigm has shifted to a desire to respond to him by acknowledging his needs for attention, instead of thinking of his requests as a burden and just one more thing to add to my list. I now look for his bids for attention and think about how I turned toward him. This little exercise has made a difference in our marriage.

Edited by Gina Dawson on Feb 18 at 10:56am

Love Letters

            About 10 years ago my husband was going on a long business trip during our Anniversary. So, I wanted to do something special for him to take with him. For a whole week, I wrote a love letter for each day that he would be gone. Then before he left, I presented him with a stack of love letters with a date on each envelope to indicate the date he was to open the letter. As I was composing the letters I thought of times and memories in our lives that were especially special to me. I realized that as I wrote these love letters, I felt drawn to my partner. 

• Writing down the fond memories helped me focus on all the good and endearing qualities of my companion. He called every night thanking me for the letter and said that it helped him not miss me as much. I didn’t know it then, but I was building a love map for my husband. My fondness and admiration grew as I wrote each letter.

            In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He states, “the key to reinvigoration fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman 1999). Each of these love letters that I wrote to my husband helped me remember all the qualities and actions that drew us together as a couple. 

• Even now I go back and read love letters from our past and it helps me remember how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. When contention enters a marriage, it is difficult to remember these good times, and sometimes the contempt for each other can actually rewrite history. Many of the good times will transform themselves into a new creature and only the trials are remembered and not the triumphs. I realized that I needed to remember all the times and create a deep loyalty to my husband. In chapter six of Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen he said, “I read somewhere that Loyalty is greater than love…your loyalty to each other is what gives power to your covenants” (2013, p 73-74). I have felt this power as I learned to grow I fondness and admiration of my eternal companion. Writing the things that I loved about him in love letters was key to understanding and remembering how I felt about this man.

            The love letters have not stopped, and I often write them to him. I love surprising him with little notes and letters when he is not suspecting it. One time while waiting for him to finish his work, I wrote several love notes on his sticky note pad. Not just on the first note, but all the way through the stack. So, for the next year, he found special notes from his wife in his post-it note pad. He said that one of those notes would come up, usually on his worst days and it cheered him up. I leave letters in the visor of his car and under his pillow. I am grateful for this little language of love that we have had throughout our marriage and I have received many love letters in return. This little act of love has helped me grow in love for this man and I can see how my loyalty to him as a result of fostering my love and admiration for him.  

Resources:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, (1999), Harmony Books, New York.

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Hearts. (2013), Covenant Books, Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina. 

The Good Samaritan

I was impacted by the story of the Savior that Goddard uses in the first chapter of his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.” He relates the interaction of the Savior with a certain lawyer. We are all familiar with the scripture in Luke 10.25, “Master what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Instead of Jesus telling him what to do he asks, “What is written in the law? How readest thou?” (vs. 26). As I read this and contemplated some of the points that Goddard brought out about this scripture story, my mind was immediately taken to a recent conversation with my son.

                To give some background on the story, my daughter called me and said that she was coming to spend some time with her five-year-old son in a city that my son resides, but her brother, who lives in this city, was reluctant to give her a place to stay. My daughter has not lived a life that is consistent with the gospel, so I could see why my son was reluctant to have her stay. My son has young children and he would be concerned about the influence of his sister on his children.

                So, I felt like I should try to intervene between my two children. When he called, as he does each Sunday, I talked about pleasant things and fun things and enjoyed the grandchildren, but I thought the spirit was prompting me to talk of the request of his sister. I asked first how he felt about the request for shelter from his sister. Trying to follow the Savior’s example, I wanted him to express his answers first. “How do you feel about that?” He related how his sister makes him feel angry when she rolls her eyes at him when he talks about what he believes. “Have you talked to her about how that makes you feel.” He did not want to confront her because he hates confrontation. I asked him to pray about it and find out how the Lord felt about his decision to not give her a place to stay. I said, “I feel that she needs all of our love and understanding, even though we do not agree with her life choices.” Then both my son and his wife felt that the concern for the children was more important than charity for the sister. I told him that I understood that and that he should put his wife and children first. After a few minutes of addressing the question, he fell silent and shut down a bit. I would have to say that he was stonewalling.

                That night I did not sleep very well at all. Then when I read that account of the Good Samaritan, I wondered what the Lord would have me do as a mother. Should I continue to encourage my children to stay friends with their sister, or should I respect their wishes to keep her at an arms distance? I felt as I read the account of the Good Samaritan, told by Goddard. That my daughter could very much be the traveler taken by thieves. She is one of God’s children caught off-guard by the teachings of the world and taken by it. Does that mean that we should pass her by like the priest and the Levite, or should we always be there to bind up her wounds and carry her to safety?

                We all took the risks to take the long journey from Jerusalem to Jericho, and just because we have not fallen to thieves like my daughter, does that give us the right to make her an outcast in our family? My mind went to the Savior. What would he do if my daughter had asked Him for shelter? Absolutely, he would open his door wide to her and welcome her in. If we all knew our trials before we came; could this lost child of mine have known that she would make these choices. Or, is her suffering at the hands of her brother just a consequence of her choices. What would the Lord have me do as a mother of these two siblings? I am unsure at this time because I don’t know if I could soften the heart of my son without alienating him. I do know that this is going to take more prayer and fasting.  

The Wolves of Marriage

                When I was young, wolves fascinated me. I thought they were beautiful animals. They were furry and wild and took care of their young. But as I grew older, I realized that out in the wild wolves can be extremely dangerous. Because they hunt in packs, they are a formidable force. Out in the wild of this life, marriage is vulnerable to threats from the adversary.

                Elder Bruce Hafen of the Seventy mentioned three wolves that threaten marriage. The first wolf is natural adversity. One of the first significant challenges to our marriage came as natural adversity. Our fifth child was born at 28 weeks. His premature birth threw our little family into a tailspin. After my water broke at 24 weeks, I was on bed rest in the hospital. During this time, my husband had to travel back and forth from Idaho to Utah to work and keep track of our four other children. I was constantly worried about the life of my little boy. But the Lord blessed us, and he was born at 2 lbs. and 2 oz. Our baby stayed in the NICU for another six weeks until his lungs developed. Finally, on his due date, he was healthy enough to join our little family. When we got in the car with our little 5-pound baby safe in his car seat, we looked at each other and wept. This struggle was the most difficult that our marriage had faced, and the toll was enormous, but the more that we looked to the Lord for strength and comfort the closer we became. This first wolf had brought us closer together instead of tearing us apart because we were willing to look to the Lord for strength.

                The second wolf that Elder Hafen mentions in his November 1996 Ensign article is the wolf of our own imperfections. In our marriage, I would say that my husband and I had some miscommunication on the care of the house.  This disagreement between the two of us created a wedge in our marriage. We had just built a new house and the added stress of a bigger mortgage added fuel to our disagreements. I remember feeling anxious when it was time for him to return home. I did nothing to diffuse the problem and many times I got angry for unimportant things. I did not know how to communicate with him on this matter. For the first time in our marriage, I did not know if I wanted to stay. But then I turned to the Lord for help and pled with him to soften my heart toward my husband. My husband did the same and we decided it was time for help. Counseling helped us understand each other and come to a more positive communication style. I thank the Lord every day for guiding me to find help. Every couple needs guidance and help from an outside source at times. This wolf of our own imperfections affects most couples and it takes prayer and humility to come back to an understanding.

                The third wolf that Elder Hafen mentions is excessive individualism. In this world, today men and women are expected to be independent of each other. When we got married, I believed that we should be united as a couple heart and soul, but in the uniting, I felt that I was losing myself. I wanted all the accolades of the world that I felt other women were getting. They had education, challenging careers, and children. They seemed to have it all. I chose to be a stay at home mom and forego my education, but I longed for the praise of the world. A woman can only watch Disney movies for the fiftieth time before she wonders if she made the right choice to stay home. I dreamt of a different life other than my own, and this created distance between us. Again, I turned to the Lord and felt a warm comforting feeling that I was doing what I was meant to do. Later I was able to finish my education through Pathway and Brigham Young University, and now here I am in my last semester.

                Looking back, I know that every couple is given trials to overcome. This will strengthen the marriage if they both turn to the Lord for help as they turn to each other. I know that our trials are not over, and they will just keep coming, but I am grateful that we stayed together and worked it out. I believe that we can be together forever. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who wants this for us.

Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman

For generations of time marriage is the union between a man and a woman. These are pictures of my grandparents and great grandparents. All of them were married and had big families full of children and love. All of them were sealed in the temple as man and wife. The institution of marriage protected the children from any outside sources that would separate them from their parents and siblings. Because a man and a woman are married, they are entitled to protection from the state for their family. This practice of marriage between and a man and a woman go back for 10 generations of time in my ancestry. Civilization and society recognize that a healthy society stems from the raising of children in families. Without the strength of family, societies will struggle.

Therefore, many governments are invested in the protection of the family as defined as the marriage of one man and one woman. In an address before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee, Ryan Anderson, who is a member of the Heritage Foundation, which is a nonpartisan think tank in Washington DC, testified, "Marriage exists to unite a man and woman as a husband and wife to then be equipped to be mother and father to any children that union produces. It is based on the biological fact that men and women are distinct and complementary. It’s based on the anthropological truth that reproduction requires a man and a woman. It is based on the social reality that children deserve a mother and a father" (Ryan Anderson,2014). This is true in every aspect of the question of same-sex marriage. It is an advantage of society to protect and support marriage because it produces children that are happy and healthy. Societies are protecting their future when they support families. Why does it matter that the definition of marriage is changed? It matters because marriage outside of the definition of man and woman does not create healthy children. In their rush to change all the laws that states had put into place, the Supreme Court did an injustice to the children of America and all of its citizens.

The change in the definition of marriage, in 2015, defied all government and constitutional laws. It was not in the right of the Supreme Court to overrule the laws that were passed in almost every state. This kind of ruling robed the people of deciding for themselves how they wanted to define marriage. Justice Roberts in his dissenting argument stated, “Federal courts are blunt instruments when it comes to creating rights. They have constitutional power only to resolve concrete cases or controversies; they do not have the flexibility of legislatures to address concerns of parties not before the court or to anticipate problems that may arise from the exercise of a new right” (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).In other words, the bench took on the job of being legislators and changed the definition despite all the separation of powers that the founding fathers put in the constitution.

Ultimately, changing the definition of marriage creates a social expectation that everyone believes as five justices of the Supreme Court ruling states. Any dissension to the ruling of the Supreme Court is met with name-calling. The Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that every state is required to issue marriage licenses to any couple regardless if they are man and woman or of the same sex. In 2015 Justice Kennedy puts forth a very eloquent and persuasive argument. He states, "Far from seeking to devalue marriage, the petitioners seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities. And their immutable nature dictates that same-sex marriage is their only real path to this profound commitment" (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).  This might be what the court said they wanted, but the opposite is the reality of society five years after this ruling. 

The ever-increasing pressure to agree with this statement is weaved into every media source in existence. A family cannot turn on the television or view a movie without being inundated with images of same-sex couples. There are images in every sitcom, movie, and even images showing up in commercials. The desensitizing of America is in full force. This is done to the extent that these ideals are almost commonplace in pop-culture. 

In addition to the desensitizing of America by the media, people of religious faith are not protected from proponents of same-sex marriage. There are no protections for people who want to continue to believe in the definition of marriage being between a man and a woman. By this ruling from the Supreme Court, there is a lack of protection for religious beliefs. Justice Roberts stated, “Respect for sincere religious conviction has led voters and legislators in every State that has adopted same-sex marriage democratically to include accommodations for dissenting religious practice” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015). This overruling of every state law that was passed concerning same-sex marriage creates a vulnerability for every religion that believes in the traditional definition of marriage. This has proven to be true with same-sex couples suing a business that refuses to participate in their marriage ceremony or church adoption agencies declining to place children with same-sex couples. This is a good indication that religion is at risk.

Further, children growing up in such a culture have no strength to counteract such an ideal. With constant bombarding from media, this kind of exposure creates a new generation of children who are not getting married as a man and a woman, nor are they raising families as such. They are practicing cohabitation, identifying as LBGT, and practicing immorality like it has no consequence. In one generation of our family, we are going from 10 generations of ancestors married as husband and wife and raising big families: to a generation where four children are identifying as LBGT, 7 are cohabitating with their partner, and 3 are divorced. This is just one generation of my family. The impact of this ruling is not as benign as Justice Kennedy led the pubic to believe. 

Finally, the impact of such an ideology being forced on American society is felt mostly by the children. In a dissenting opinion, Justice Alito stated, "This understanding of marriage, which focuses almost entirely on the happiness of persons who choose to marry, is shared by many people today, but it is not the traditional one. For millennia, marriage was inextricably linked to the one thing that only an opposite-sex couple can do: procreate” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015).  In the aftermath of the current generation’s choices, one little grandson said it so plainly, "Can't you and daddy live together?" It is every child's right to live with both of their parents and be raised by a mother and a father. In their childlike innocence, they know that this is the best way. They want to be raised by a mother and a father, but the rights of the children were overshadowed in this ruling.

Unfortunately, in the pursuit of exploring LBGT beliefs mothers or fathers leave the safety of the union between man and woman. To follow the ideals of the LBGT community so they can be true to who you really are. They leave spouses and children and explore all the wonderful freedoms that are placed at their feet. One generation ago this message was not blared out upon every media device and many entered a marriage between a man and a woman. It is the children who would say that their rights are the ones that are really at risk. So, what is the harm of leaving the traditions of our fathers behind? I fear it is the stability of our children's lives and the stability of our society that is really in peril. 

References:

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.

Ryan Anderson Testifies Before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee; January 13, 2014

Looking at the Stars

When I first met my husband, we were just kids. I was a sophomore in high school, and he was a senior. On one of our dates, we took the time to lie on the trampoline and gaze at the stars. We were full of hopes and dreams and thought that every dream was possible. I remember dreaming about being married to this boy and having lots of kids and a house that would become our home. We had found connection and friendship on those star-filled nights. I would say, "Look at the big dipper and imagine it full of the love I have for you." From then on, I would draw a big dipper on the bottom of the love letters I sent to him. This became our symbol of how much we loved each other. 

This kind of expression continued through our dating and courtship. I realize, now that we have been married for 33 years; it is the dreams that we built back then that kept us going. Through the most difficult trials, we knew that our love would fill the big dipper and flow over. We nourished our love with careful attention and expression, and it grew. Now, when the sky is full of stars and I see the big dipper, I remember how much I love this man. There are always distractions that will pull a couple apart, but when we focus on what it meant to love each other, nothing else matters. 

People often ask me how we stayed together. I often reply; it was because neither of us was willing to let go of the dream. We also surrounded ourselves with a supportive community. The community surrounding us is so key to strengthening the bond of marriage. Our community consisted of a supportive family and a ward family who were always willing to be there for us. This was true especially when we were first married. We had friends from the ward who spent time with us when our family was about 12 hours away. This made a difference in our strength as a couple. One must be aware of the conversations between friends and colleges. Ask yourself if your community of friends is moral in their lives? Do they talk about marriage and their spouses in a positive light? 

I had a friend who found a community of friends who did just the opposite. They would get together without their spouses and go hiking and participated in activities together, but most of the conversations were centered on bashing the spouse and complaining about the marriage. It was not long before this friend was divorced. My grandmother always said that you should never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone. This kind of speech will influence the feelings you have about them. In the May Ensign 2007, Dalin H. Oaks put it this way, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce." This admonition is not to discourage those who have divorced, but it points to the beginning of the thought process. If you are wanting to stay married, surround yourself with people and communities who do not talk of divorce and speak badly of their spouse.

Another thing that held us together was how a divorce would affect the children. In an article by Amato, he stated, “the weight of the evidence strongly suggests that growing up without two biological parents in the home increases children's risk of a variety of cognitive, emotional, and social problems.” I often would say to myself when trials surrounded us that, “My parents gave me a cherished and beautiful childhood, and I want to give my children the same childhood.” This mantra was on my lips constantly and it helped me get through the tough times. 

When the children are young it is a critical time in their lives and disrupting this time changes who they are and how they present themselves in this world. Having children is a privilege from God and they are a blessing to every couple. Be careful with their young hearts and minds and see if a little sacrifice to be patient can be a big part of making a difference in their lives. Let the children speak from their hearts and tell the parents what they are feeling. This might be the fuel needed to help a couple took beyond themselves to their children.

The evil surrounding many families in this day would encourage them to separate and dissolve the marriage covenant, but I would say to married couples out there to hold on and wait. The development and the art of patience and tolerance is an essential part of the work in marriage? When your spouse is driving you crazy and you do not think you can take it anymore; take a moment to breathe and look at the positive things that he/she brings to your life. Then look at what you can do to make the issue better. The only person we can change is ourselves. Finally, things do get easier and better. People mature and grow together as they have the tolerance and patience to see the other person and their needs. Working it out and holding on to the dreams of being married forever is just around the corner.

References

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, Dallin H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.