Love Letters

            About 10 years ago my husband was going on a long business trip during our Anniversary. So, I wanted to do something special for him to take with him. For a whole week, I wrote a love letter for each day that he would be gone. Then before he left, I presented him with a stack of love letters with a date on each envelope to indicate the date he was to open the letter. As I was composing the letters I thought of times and memories in our lives that were especially special to me. I realized that as I wrote these love letters, I felt drawn to my partner. 

• Writing down the fond memories helped me focus on all the good and endearing qualities of my companion. He called every night thanking me for the letter and said that it helped him not miss me as much. I didn’t know it then, but I was building a love map for my husband. My fondness and admiration grew as I wrote each letter.

            In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He states, “the key to reinvigoration fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman 1999). Each of these love letters that I wrote to my husband helped me remember all the qualities and actions that drew us together as a couple. 

• Even now I go back and read love letters from our past and it helps me remember how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. When contention enters a marriage, it is difficult to remember these good times, and sometimes the contempt for each other can actually rewrite history. Many of the good times will transform themselves into a new creature and only the trials are remembered and not the triumphs. I realized that I needed to remember all the times and create a deep loyalty to my husband. In chapter six of Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen he said, “I read somewhere that Loyalty is greater than love…your loyalty to each other is what gives power to your covenants” (2013, p 73-74). I have felt this power as I learned to grow I fondness and admiration of my eternal companion. Writing the things that I loved about him in love letters was key to understanding and remembering how I felt about this man.

            The love letters have not stopped, and I often write them to him. I love surprising him with little notes and letters when he is not suspecting it. One time while waiting for him to finish his work, I wrote several love notes on his sticky note pad. Not just on the first note, but all the way through the stack. So, for the next year, he found special notes from his wife in his post-it note pad. He said that one of those notes would come up, usually on his worst days and it cheered him up. I leave letters in the visor of his car and under his pillow. I am grateful for this little language of love that we have had throughout our marriage and I have received many love letters in return. This little act of love has helped me grow in love for this man and I can see how my loyalty to him as a result of fostering my love and admiration for him.  

Resources:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, (1999), Harmony Books, New York.

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Hearts. (2013), Covenant Books, Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina.