Gridlock

One afternoon coming home from church we walked in the door and my husband started to complain about how messy the house was and that we needed to clean it. I did not respond well to this criticism and started pulling things off the refrigerator that had become cluttered with pictures and school projects from the kids. My husband responded with an increase in anger and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and escalated the situation by tossing plates onto the tile shattering them into hundreds of pieces. We were all in on this one and only my teenaged son coming between us caused us to calm down. Not a pretty sight and I am not proud of how I handled the situation, but the struggle over the level of cleanliness brought us to gridlock every time we approach the subject.

            So, I decided to use the dream exercise in Gottman’s book to discover what made this subject such a hot topic. Gottman stated, "gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of" (1999, p 238). His dream was to live in a home where he did not have to wade through piles of dishes and laundry every time he came home. He grew up in a home where they were extremely poor, and this fact caused his parents to horde every resource they could get a hold of in case they needed it. He wanted this to never be an issue in his family, so when there is a little disorder it triggers this feeling of hopelessness in his mind. Gottman said, "Our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood" (1999, p  238). I could see that my husband's childhood had a deep impact on how he felt about his home. He did not want to live in the clutter in his married life. 

            My dream was that people would always be more important than the dishes in the sink. My mother always has a tidy house, but she was never afraid to leave the mess behind to go on an adventure with her children. She always put us first over the dishes and the laundry. This was my dream that my first priority was to spend time with my children. If the toys were out and scattered, then that meant that we had an enjoyable day of play.

            When we took the time to understand each other’s dreams our gridlock became movable. I would make more effort to keep a tidy house and my husband agreed to not complain if things were out of place. I found that understanding the dream that he was coming from made it easier to make the effort to create an orderly home. He agreed that most of the time the house was clean and he agreed that he would make more effort to help and if he found something that was bothering him that he would clean it up instead of complaining about it.

            I was pleased with the transformation of our gridlock and find that we have left that gridlocked issue behind us. I am grateful for the strategies that I have learned in this class and intend to continue to improve and enrich my marriage for years to come.