Looking at the Stars

When I first met my husband, we were just kids. I was a sophomore in high school, and he was a senior. On one of our dates, we took the time to lie on the trampoline and gaze at the stars. We were full of hopes and dreams and thought that every dream was possible. I remember dreaming about being married to this boy and having lots of kids and a house that would become our home. We had found connection and friendship on those star-filled nights. I would say, "Look at the big dipper and imagine it full of the love I have for you." From then on, I would draw a big dipper on the bottom of the love letters I sent to him. This became our symbol of how much we loved each other. 

This kind of expression continued through our dating and courtship. I realize, now that we have been married for 33 years; it is the dreams that we built back then that kept us going. Through the most difficult trials, we knew that our love would fill the big dipper and flow over. We nourished our love with careful attention and expression, and it grew. Now, when the sky is full of stars and I see the big dipper, I remember how much I love this man. There are always distractions that will pull a couple apart, but when we focus on what it meant to love each other, nothing else matters. 

People often ask me how we stayed together. I often reply; it was because neither of us was willing to let go of the dream. We also surrounded ourselves with a supportive community. The community surrounding us is so key to strengthening the bond of marriage. Our community consisted of a supportive family and a ward family who were always willing to be there for us. This was true especially when we were first married. We had friends from the ward who spent time with us when our family was about 12 hours away. This made a difference in our strength as a couple. One must be aware of the conversations between friends and colleges. Ask yourself if your community of friends is moral in their lives? Do they talk about marriage and their spouses in a positive light? 

I had a friend who found a community of friends who did just the opposite. They would get together without their spouses and go hiking and participated in activities together, but most of the conversations were centered on bashing the spouse and complaining about the marriage. It was not long before this friend was divorced. My grandmother always said that you should never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone. This kind of speech will influence the feelings you have about them. In the May Ensign 2007, Dalin H. Oaks put it this way, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce." This admonition is not to discourage those who have divorced, but it points to the beginning of the thought process. If you are wanting to stay married, surround yourself with people and communities who do not talk of divorce and speak badly of their spouse.

Another thing that held us together was how a divorce would affect the children. In an article by Amato, he stated, “the weight of the evidence strongly suggests that growing up without two biological parents in the home increases children's risk of a variety of cognitive, emotional, and social problems.” I often would say to myself when trials surrounded us that, “My parents gave me a cherished and beautiful childhood, and I want to give my children the same childhood.” This mantra was on my lips constantly and it helped me get through the tough times. 

When the children are young it is a critical time in their lives and disrupting this time changes who they are and how they present themselves in this world. Having children is a privilege from God and they are a blessing to every couple. Be careful with their young hearts and minds and see if a little sacrifice to be patient can be a big part of making a difference in their lives. Let the children speak from their hearts and tell the parents what they are feeling. This might be the fuel needed to help a couple took beyond themselves to their children.

The evil surrounding many families in this day would encourage them to separate and dissolve the marriage covenant, but I would say to married couples out there to hold on and wait. The development and the art of patience and tolerance is an essential part of the work in marriage? When your spouse is driving you crazy and you do not think you can take it anymore; take a moment to breathe and look at the positive things that he/she brings to your life. Then look at what you can do to make the issue better. The only person we can change is ourselves. Finally, things do get easier and better. People mature and grow together as they have the tolerance and patience to see the other person and their needs. Working it out and holding on to the dreams of being married forever is just around the corner.

References

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, Dallin H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.