Marriage and Fidelity

             As a couple that has been married for 33 years, I have seen threats to our marriage come and go. I would like to mention a few things that have safeguarded our marriage and have kept us together for this life and all eternity.

• Remember to spend time together.

Life gets busy as we all know it and it seems like date night can go by the wayside. Financial difficulties, work and children demands pull at our attention, and just plain exhaustion can make going out on a date an unnecessary indulgence. But I would say that it is not an indulgence, but an essential need for a couple to have alone time together, without the kids. As much as you love your kids and would trust them with no one else, getting a babysitter is not only good for them but good for your marriage. The friendship that you kindle during your date nights will strengthen you through the rough trials of life. In Gottman’s book, he mentions date night, “This just-the-two-of-you time can be relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

                If you neglect date night you are putting your relationship at risk as a couple will grow apart. You will not be up to date with the dreams and goals of your partner and this distance will leave your precious marriage open to the adversary, who will swoop in to cause discord. Temple attendance for date night can be an especially bonding experience as couples remember their sealing and the covenants that they made together. Think of it as not neglecting your children for an evening but protecting them against an adversary that would destroy your marriage.

• Avoid spending time with “friends” of the opposite sex alone without your spouse. Although this kind of friendly interaction with other people may seem innocent, it opens your marriage up for the adversary to tempt and try a couple into infidelity. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and school buddies, but couples should resist this kind of rekindling of friendship. In an Ensign article, “Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, it states. Jane began a friendship with her coworker and said, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” insisted Jane when family members voiced concern over the time she was spending with a male co-worker. “We’re just friends.” This is the beginning of an opening for the adversary to work in your marriage. What may seem innocent at first can soon become a valued friendship, and then love can form in this friendship.

                With that love, the comparison of one’s spouse to the friendship is not a fair comparison because there is so much more involved in a marriage, like finances and children than in a friendship, where the only focus is each other. The comparison between the spouse and the friend will lead to emotional infidelity and eventually physical infidelity. In the story above, “What Jane didn’t realize was how hurt and upset Aaron felt at what she was doing. He felt betrayed and rejected and was even beginning to worry that Jane didn’t love him anymore. Jane talked as though their marriage was strong but, by her actions, she seemed to care more about her co-worker than her husband.”

                What might seem as an innocent friendship is damaging to a marriage and couples should consider not investing in these kinds of relationships outside of marriage? If a couple is to have friends, it should always include both members of the marriage with a friendship of another couple. One on one friendships outside of marriage is asking for trouble.

• Invest your heart and soul into your spouse. Little gestures that help you turn toward each other are key to keeping a marriage strong. Gottman mentions the magic six hours every week. Some of his council is: When your husband comes home, make sure to welcome him with open arms, no matter how hard the day has been caring for the children. When you depart each day pray together, kiss and hug for at least 6 seconds. Show love and appreciation each day for your spouse. A thank you and I appreciate you go a long way. Criticism gets you nowhere and only hurts feelings. Have a family council week to set your goals for the week and for eternity. Gottman says, “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 279). If you will work on your marriage and put energy into it, you will be able to be married for 33 years and beyond. It is possible, but it must be purposeful.

References:

Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, Ensign.

Gottman, John, M. The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, New York, 1999.