Cutting the Apron Strings

• I often say to my friends who have young children and are struggling with the daily chaos, “It is easier to raise young children than adult children.” This is because they are still a big part of your life, but you have little say in the matter. In an address given at the BYU Conference of Family Life, (2008) Richard B. Miller stated, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” This is so true but I often long for the days when my children were all tucked around me safe and sound inside of the wings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Not only can we not expect them to obey us, but we really have no control over the things they do or the choices they make. The time for parents to control their children’s lives is over. I hope I have taught them sufficiently and they will make healthy choices.
• As painful as it is to let them make their own choices, it is ultimately the right and healthy thing to do as parents of adult children. Miller suggests, “It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families” (2008). We have tried to do this with our adult children and have always encouraged them to turn towards each other instead of us. We do give them counsel when they need support and comfort, but I always encourage them to turn to their Heavenly Father for the answers they are seeking. It is difficult to see them making decisions that will give them unhappiness, but they are often insistent they know what they need. The hardest thing about being a parent of adults is letting them make their own choices. They don’t have the life experience that we do, and they will make mistakes. It is comforting when they lean on you for advice and wisdom, but they will make their own choices. All we can do as a parent is to be there when they need a soft place to fall and to pray for them every day.

Photo: Courtesy of ABC/YouTube

• There is nothing so painful as witnessing an unhealthy parent-child relationship. This was magnified in a recent reality television show when the mother of the “Bachelor” insisted which of the women he should choose for his wife. The “Bachelor” decided to choose the one his mother wanted, but the engagement didn’t last for more than a month. This mother-in-law was labeled a villain by the viewers for her attempt to control her son. This made me realize that I cannot choose the spouses that my children marry and that any attempt to will most likely result in the son pushing away the future daughter-in-law of your choosing. Who says that you cannot learn anything from reality T.V.? (I know don’t condemn me for my reality indulgence.)
• President Kimball as quoted in Miller’s article said, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands, as well as wives, return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).” He says here that children can cherish parents' counsel, but ultimately, they need to make their own decisions.
• I still say that raising adult children is the most demanding thing that I have ever done, but I must trust that the Lord loves them more than I do. He will watch over them and gently guide them home to live with God and our forever family. This is my hope and prayer that His eye is continually upon them. I will be patient and cheer for them at a distance and love them when they arrive at my doorstep.