Beware of Pride

In 1989 the Prophet President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called “Beware of Pride.” In his address, during the May 1989 conference, he made some very poignant prophecies about pride. The first statement that impacted me was:

• President Benson's first point, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

There are times when we are proud of our children and their accomplishments such as graduation.

But in President Benson’s talk, he says that there are no positive applications of pride. He said, “In the scriptures, there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby.” Therefore, it is understanding pride and knowing when it is creeping up on us in our lives and in our marriage that will help us overcome the cycle of pride.

• The second point, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

One of the pride games that we as a couple have played in the past is scorekeeping. My spouse and I tend to keep track of who has had the hardest week at work, and according to this measure who should do the dishes. Housework has always been a competition and now that both of us are working we keep score on who has done the most in the house recently. I caught myself feeling that way after a long weekend of working and getting home late Saturday night to a sink full of dishes. But instead of feeling picked on after a 70-hour week, I simply put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. When my husband came down after getting ready for church, he apologized for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. I simply said it is okay. I was grateful at that point that I put my pride aside and took five minutes to tidy up instead of complaining. I was grateful for the chapter I had just read that helped me see this pride game in my life. Our Sunday was pleasant, and we were able to turn toward each other because I was willing to put my pride aside. My love increased for my husband because I was able to serve him and he, in turn, cooked dinner for the family.

             

• Finally, President Benson stated: “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are” (May 1998 General Conference).

Sunday would have gone much differently if I had complained or criticized. The price paid would have been contention on one of our precious days of rest. The outcome would have been a feeling between us of competition instead of love. I can be humbler in my approach to my husband when it comes to housework. I can count my blessings that he does help a lot. He does a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and cooking. I do the laundry, dishes, and bathrooms. When I take the time to be humble and see these things, I can see better that the division of work is very fair and equitable. I thank the Lord every day for a spouse that is as caring and kind as my husband.

We all need to beware of pride and take a close and honest look at how pride affects our families and our relationship with our spouse. Forgiveness and humility can be effective tools to combat pride. I know that some of my most sorrowful times were the result of pride, however, when the Lord humbles me I am healed through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Turning Toward Each Other

         I was reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and I read about his principle #3. He explained, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…Many people think that the secret to reconnection with their partner is a vacation by the sea…[but] it only takes a small gesture to… turn towards each other.” When I read this, I was impacted by the simplicity of this principle. 

• When we were first married my husband would often make bids for attention that I was not paying attention too. I had many toddlers around me, and my focus was on them. He would often say that I was a little icy when it came to my affection for him. I hated it when he said that and did not really know what to do with that information. So, as most wives would, I just kept going the way I was going. I resented the fact that he was not satisfied with my efforts to be affectionate with him. I didn't understand what I was doing that was wrong. So, I focused on my boys and put this concern to the side. I had six boys, and this was overwhelming, to say the least. I was focused on them for the time being. 

           Then, As I read this principle if realized that this is what he meant. When he would make bids for my attention I could respond with little gestures or acts of kindness to fill his need for my affection. This week I focused on paying attention to his bids for attention and I found that he was responsive and affectionate back. This all happened in little minutes here and there. He would ask about dinner and I would tell him what we were having. Then I found that we would join in a team effort to make dinner. The interaction was wonderful. We were turning towards each other and spending valuable time together fixing a meal. 

• Such a small thing, but I have noticed a big difference in how he responds to me, and I especially noticed that I felt differently about him also. No longer was I resentful for his request, but my paradigm has shifted to a desire to respond to him by acknowledging his needs for attention, instead of thinking of his requests as a burden and just one more thing to add to my list. I now look for his bids for attention and think about how I turned toward him. This little exercise has made a difference in our marriage.

Edited by Gina Dawson on Feb 18 at 10:56am

Love Letters

            About 10 years ago my husband was going on a long business trip during our Anniversary. So, I wanted to do something special for him to take with him. For a whole week, I wrote a love letter for each day that he would be gone. Then before he left, I presented him with a stack of love letters with a date on each envelope to indicate the date he was to open the letter. As I was composing the letters I thought of times and memories in our lives that were especially special to me. I realized that as I wrote these love letters, I felt drawn to my partner. 

• Writing down the fond memories helped me focus on all the good and endearing qualities of my companion. He called every night thanking me for the letter and said that it helped him not miss me as much. I didn’t know it then, but I was building a love map for my husband. My fondness and admiration grew as I wrote each letter.

            In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He states, “the key to reinvigoration fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman 1999). Each of these love letters that I wrote to my husband helped me remember all the qualities and actions that drew us together as a couple. 

• Even now I go back and read love letters from our past and it helps me remember how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. When contention enters a marriage, it is difficult to remember these good times, and sometimes the contempt for each other can actually rewrite history. Many of the good times will transform themselves into a new creature and only the trials are remembered and not the triumphs. I realized that I needed to remember all the times and create a deep loyalty to my husband. In chapter six of Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen he said, “I read somewhere that Loyalty is greater than love…your loyalty to each other is what gives power to your covenants” (2013, p 73-74). I have felt this power as I learned to grow I fondness and admiration of my eternal companion. Writing the things that I loved about him in love letters was key to understanding and remembering how I felt about this man.

            The love letters have not stopped, and I often write them to him. I love surprising him with little notes and letters when he is not suspecting it. One time while waiting for him to finish his work, I wrote several love notes on his sticky note pad. Not just on the first note, but all the way through the stack. So, for the next year, he found special notes from his wife in his post-it note pad. He said that one of those notes would come up, usually on his worst days and it cheered him up. I leave letters in the visor of his car and under his pillow. I am grateful for this little language of love that we have had throughout our marriage and I have received many love letters in return. This little act of love has helped me grow in love for this man and I can see how my loyalty to him as a result of fostering my love and admiration for him.  

Resources:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, (1999), Harmony Books, New York.

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Hearts. (2013), Covenant Books, Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina. 

The Good Samaritan

I was impacted by the story of the Savior that Goddard uses in the first chapter of his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.” He relates the interaction of the Savior with a certain lawyer. We are all familiar with the scripture in Luke 10.25, “Master what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Instead of Jesus telling him what to do he asks, “What is written in the law? How readest thou?” (vs. 26). As I read this and contemplated some of the points that Goddard brought out about this scripture story, my mind was immediately taken to a recent conversation with my son.

                To give some background on the story, my daughter called me and said that she was coming to spend some time with her five-year-old son in a city that my son resides, but her brother, who lives in this city, was reluctant to give her a place to stay. My daughter has not lived a life that is consistent with the gospel, so I could see why my son was reluctant to have her stay. My son has young children and he would be concerned about the influence of his sister on his children.

                So, I felt like I should try to intervene between my two children. When he called, as he does each Sunday, I talked about pleasant things and fun things and enjoyed the grandchildren, but I thought the spirit was prompting me to talk of the request of his sister. I asked first how he felt about the request for shelter from his sister. Trying to follow the Savior’s example, I wanted him to express his answers first. “How do you feel about that?” He related how his sister makes him feel angry when she rolls her eyes at him when he talks about what he believes. “Have you talked to her about how that makes you feel.” He did not want to confront her because he hates confrontation. I asked him to pray about it and find out how the Lord felt about his decision to not give her a place to stay. I said, “I feel that she needs all of our love and understanding, even though we do not agree with her life choices.” Then both my son and his wife felt that the concern for the children was more important than charity for the sister. I told him that I understood that and that he should put his wife and children first. After a few minutes of addressing the question, he fell silent and shut down a bit. I would have to say that he was stonewalling.

                That night I did not sleep very well at all. Then when I read that account of the Good Samaritan, I wondered what the Lord would have me do as a mother. Should I continue to encourage my children to stay friends with their sister, or should I respect their wishes to keep her at an arms distance? I felt as I read the account of the Good Samaritan, told by Goddard. That my daughter could very much be the traveler taken by thieves. She is one of God’s children caught off-guard by the teachings of the world and taken by it. Does that mean that we should pass her by like the priest and the Levite, or should we always be there to bind up her wounds and carry her to safety?

                We all took the risks to take the long journey from Jerusalem to Jericho, and just because we have not fallen to thieves like my daughter, does that give us the right to make her an outcast in our family? My mind went to the Savior. What would he do if my daughter had asked Him for shelter? Absolutely, he would open his door wide to her and welcome her in. If we all knew our trials before we came; could this lost child of mine have known that she would make these choices. Or, is her suffering at the hands of her brother just a consequence of her choices. What would the Lord have me do as a mother of these two siblings? I am unsure at this time because I don’t know if I could soften the heart of my son without alienating him. I do know that this is going to take more prayer and fasting.  

The Wolves of Marriage

                When I was young, wolves fascinated me. I thought they were beautiful animals. They were furry and wild and took care of their young. But as I grew older, I realized that out in the wild wolves can be extremely dangerous. Because they hunt in packs, they are a formidable force. Out in the wild of this life, marriage is vulnerable to threats from the adversary.

                Elder Bruce Hafen of the Seventy mentioned three wolves that threaten marriage. The first wolf is natural adversity. One of the first significant challenges to our marriage came as natural adversity. Our fifth child was born at 28 weeks. His premature birth threw our little family into a tailspin. After my water broke at 24 weeks, I was on bed rest in the hospital. During this time, my husband had to travel back and forth from Idaho to Utah to work and keep track of our four other children. I was constantly worried about the life of my little boy. But the Lord blessed us, and he was born at 2 lbs. and 2 oz. Our baby stayed in the NICU for another six weeks until his lungs developed. Finally, on his due date, he was healthy enough to join our little family. When we got in the car with our little 5-pound baby safe in his car seat, we looked at each other and wept. This struggle was the most difficult that our marriage had faced, and the toll was enormous, but the more that we looked to the Lord for strength and comfort the closer we became. This first wolf had brought us closer together instead of tearing us apart because we were willing to look to the Lord for strength.

                The second wolf that Elder Hafen mentions in his November 1996 Ensign article is the wolf of our own imperfections. In our marriage, I would say that my husband and I had some miscommunication on the care of the house.  This disagreement between the two of us created a wedge in our marriage. We had just built a new house and the added stress of a bigger mortgage added fuel to our disagreements. I remember feeling anxious when it was time for him to return home. I did nothing to diffuse the problem and many times I got angry for unimportant things. I did not know how to communicate with him on this matter. For the first time in our marriage, I did not know if I wanted to stay. But then I turned to the Lord for help and pled with him to soften my heart toward my husband. My husband did the same and we decided it was time for help. Counseling helped us understand each other and come to a more positive communication style. I thank the Lord every day for guiding me to find help. Every couple needs guidance and help from an outside source at times. This wolf of our own imperfections affects most couples and it takes prayer and humility to come back to an understanding.

                The third wolf that Elder Hafen mentions is excessive individualism. In this world, today men and women are expected to be independent of each other. When we got married, I believed that we should be united as a couple heart and soul, but in the uniting, I felt that I was losing myself. I wanted all the accolades of the world that I felt other women were getting. They had education, challenging careers, and children. They seemed to have it all. I chose to be a stay at home mom and forego my education, but I longed for the praise of the world. A woman can only watch Disney movies for the fiftieth time before she wonders if she made the right choice to stay home. I dreamt of a different life other than my own, and this created distance between us. Again, I turned to the Lord and felt a warm comforting feeling that I was doing what I was meant to do. Later I was able to finish my education through Pathway and Brigham Young University, and now here I am in my last semester.

                Looking back, I know that every couple is given trials to overcome. This will strengthen the marriage if they both turn to the Lord for help as they turn to each other. I know that our trials are not over, and they will just keep coming, but I am grateful that we stayed together and worked it out. I believe that we can be together forever. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who wants this for us.

Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman

For generations of time marriage is the union between a man and a woman. These are pictures of my grandparents and great grandparents. All of them were married and had big families full of children and love. All of them were sealed in the temple as man and wife. The institution of marriage protected the children from any outside sources that would separate them from their parents and siblings. Because a man and a woman are married, they are entitled to protection from the state for their family. This practice of marriage between and a man and a woman go back for 10 generations of time in my ancestry. Civilization and society recognize that a healthy society stems from the raising of children in families. Without the strength of family, societies will struggle.

Therefore, many governments are invested in the protection of the family as defined as the marriage of one man and one woman. In an address before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee, Ryan Anderson, who is a member of the Heritage Foundation, which is a nonpartisan think tank in Washington DC, testified, "Marriage exists to unite a man and woman as a husband and wife to then be equipped to be mother and father to any children that union produces. It is based on the biological fact that men and women are distinct and complementary. It’s based on the anthropological truth that reproduction requires a man and a woman. It is based on the social reality that children deserve a mother and a father" (Ryan Anderson,2014). This is true in every aspect of the question of same-sex marriage. It is an advantage of society to protect and support marriage because it produces children that are happy and healthy. Societies are protecting their future when they support families. Why does it matter that the definition of marriage is changed? It matters because marriage outside of the definition of man and woman does not create healthy children. In their rush to change all the laws that states had put into place, the Supreme Court did an injustice to the children of America and all of its citizens.

The change in the definition of marriage, in 2015, defied all government and constitutional laws. It was not in the right of the Supreme Court to overrule the laws that were passed in almost every state. This kind of ruling robed the people of deciding for themselves how they wanted to define marriage. Justice Roberts in his dissenting argument stated, “Federal courts are blunt instruments when it comes to creating rights. They have constitutional power only to resolve concrete cases or controversies; they do not have the flexibility of legislatures to address concerns of parties not before the court or to anticipate problems that may arise from the exercise of a new right” (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).In other words, the bench took on the job of being legislators and changed the definition despite all the separation of powers that the founding fathers put in the constitution.

Ultimately, changing the definition of marriage creates a social expectation that everyone believes as five justices of the Supreme Court ruling states. Any dissension to the ruling of the Supreme Court is met with name-calling. The Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that every state is required to issue marriage licenses to any couple regardless if they are man and woman or of the same sex. In 2015 Justice Kennedy puts forth a very eloquent and persuasive argument. He states, "Far from seeking to devalue marriage, the petitioners seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities. And their immutable nature dictates that same-sex marriage is their only real path to this profound commitment" (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).  This might be what the court said they wanted, but the opposite is the reality of society five years after this ruling. 

The ever-increasing pressure to agree with this statement is weaved into every media source in existence. A family cannot turn on the television or view a movie without being inundated with images of same-sex couples. There are images in every sitcom, movie, and even images showing up in commercials. The desensitizing of America is in full force. This is done to the extent that these ideals are almost commonplace in pop-culture. 

In addition to the desensitizing of America by the media, people of religious faith are not protected from proponents of same-sex marriage. There are no protections for people who want to continue to believe in the definition of marriage being between a man and a woman. By this ruling from the Supreme Court, there is a lack of protection for religious beliefs. Justice Roberts stated, “Respect for sincere religious conviction has led voters and legislators in every State that has adopted same-sex marriage democratically to include accommodations for dissenting religious practice” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015). This overruling of every state law that was passed concerning same-sex marriage creates a vulnerability for every religion that believes in the traditional definition of marriage. This has proven to be true with same-sex couples suing a business that refuses to participate in their marriage ceremony or church adoption agencies declining to place children with same-sex couples. This is a good indication that religion is at risk.

Further, children growing up in such a culture have no strength to counteract such an ideal. With constant bombarding from media, this kind of exposure creates a new generation of children who are not getting married as a man and a woman, nor are they raising families as such. They are practicing cohabitation, identifying as LBGT, and practicing immorality like it has no consequence. In one generation of our family, we are going from 10 generations of ancestors married as husband and wife and raising big families: to a generation where four children are identifying as LBGT, 7 are cohabitating with their partner, and 3 are divorced. This is just one generation of my family. The impact of this ruling is not as benign as Justice Kennedy led the pubic to believe. 

Finally, the impact of such an ideology being forced on American society is felt mostly by the children. In a dissenting opinion, Justice Alito stated, "This understanding of marriage, which focuses almost entirely on the happiness of persons who choose to marry, is shared by many people today, but it is not the traditional one. For millennia, marriage was inextricably linked to the one thing that only an opposite-sex couple can do: procreate” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015).  In the aftermath of the current generation’s choices, one little grandson said it so plainly, "Can't you and daddy live together?" It is every child's right to live with both of their parents and be raised by a mother and a father. In their childlike innocence, they know that this is the best way. They want to be raised by a mother and a father, but the rights of the children were overshadowed in this ruling.

Unfortunately, in the pursuit of exploring LBGT beliefs mothers or fathers leave the safety of the union between man and woman. To follow the ideals of the LBGT community so they can be true to who you really are. They leave spouses and children and explore all the wonderful freedoms that are placed at their feet. One generation ago this message was not blared out upon every media device and many entered a marriage between a man and a woman. It is the children who would say that their rights are the ones that are really at risk. So, what is the harm of leaving the traditions of our fathers behind? I fear it is the stability of our children's lives and the stability of our society that is really in peril. 

References:

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.

Ryan Anderson Testifies Before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee; January 13, 2014

Looking at the Stars

When I first met my husband, we were just kids. I was a sophomore in high school, and he was a senior. On one of our dates, we took the time to lie on the trampoline and gaze at the stars. We were full of hopes and dreams and thought that every dream was possible. I remember dreaming about being married to this boy and having lots of kids and a house that would become our home. We had found connection and friendship on those star-filled nights. I would say, "Look at the big dipper and imagine it full of the love I have for you." From then on, I would draw a big dipper on the bottom of the love letters I sent to him. This became our symbol of how much we loved each other. 

This kind of expression continued through our dating and courtship. I realize, now that we have been married for 33 years; it is the dreams that we built back then that kept us going. Through the most difficult trials, we knew that our love would fill the big dipper and flow over. We nourished our love with careful attention and expression, and it grew. Now, when the sky is full of stars and I see the big dipper, I remember how much I love this man. There are always distractions that will pull a couple apart, but when we focus on what it meant to love each other, nothing else matters. 

People often ask me how we stayed together. I often reply; it was because neither of us was willing to let go of the dream. We also surrounded ourselves with a supportive community. The community surrounding us is so key to strengthening the bond of marriage. Our community consisted of a supportive family and a ward family who were always willing to be there for us. This was true especially when we were first married. We had friends from the ward who spent time with us when our family was about 12 hours away. This made a difference in our strength as a couple. One must be aware of the conversations between friends and colleges. Ask yourself if your community of friends is moral in their lives? Do they talk about marriage and their spouses in a positive light? 

I had a friend who found a community of friends who did just the opposite. They would get together without their spouses and go hiking and participated in activities together, but most of the conversations were centered on bashing the spouse and complaining about the marriage. It was not long before this friend was divorced. My grandmother always said that you should never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone. This kind of speech will influence the feelings you have about them. In the May Ensign 2007, Dalin H. Oaks put it this way, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce." This admonition is not to discourage those who have divorced, but it points to the beginning of the thought process. If you are wanting to stay married, surround yourself with people and communities who do not talk of divorce and speak badly of their spouse.

Another thing that held us together was how a divorce would affect the children. In an article by Amato, he stated, “the weight of the evidence strongly suggests that growing up without two biological parents in the home increases children's risk of a variety of cognitive, emotional, and social problems.” I often would say to myself when trials surrounded us that, “My parents gave me a cherished and beautiful childhood, and I want to give my children the same childhood.” This mantra was on my lips constantly and it helped me get through the tough times. 

When the children are young it is a critical time in their lives and disrupting this time changes who they are and how they present themselves in this world. Having children is a privilege from God and they are a blessing to every couple. Be careful with their young hearts and minds and see if a little sacrifice to be patient can be a big part of making a difference in their lives. Let the children speak from their hearts and tell the parents what they are feeling. This might be the fuel needed to help a couple took beyond themselves to their children.

The evil surrounding many families in this day would encourage them to separate and dissolve the marriage covenant, but I would say to married couples out there to hold on and wait. The development and the art of patience and tolerance is an essential part of the work in marriage? When your spouse is driving you crazy and you do not think you can take it anymore; take a moment to breathe and look at the positive things that he/she brings to your life. Then look at what you can do to make the issue better. The only person we can change is ourselves. Finally, things do get easier and better. People mature and grow together as they have the tolerance and patience to see the other person and their needs. Working it out and holding on to the dreams of being married forever is just around the corner.

References

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, Dallin H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.