Marriage and Fidelity

             As a couple that has been married for 33 years, I have seen threats to our marriage come and go. I would like to mention a few things that have safeguarded our marriage and have kept us together for this life and all eternity.

• Remember to spend time together.

Life gets busy as we all know it and it seems like date night can go by the wayside. Financial difficulties, work and children demands pull at our attention, and just plain exhaustion can make going out on a date an unnecessary indulgence. But I would say that it is not an indulgence, but an essential need for a couple to have alone time together, without the kids. As much as you love your kids and would trust them with no one else, getting a babysitter is not only good for them but good for your marriage. The friendship that you kindle during your date nights will strengthen you through the rough trials of life. In Gottman’s book, he mentions date night, “This just-the-two-of-you time can be relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

                If you neglect date night you are putting your relationship at risk as a couple will grow apart. You will not be up to date with the dreams and goals of your partner and this distance will leave your precious marriage open to the adversary, who will swoop in to cause discord. Temple attendance for date night can be an especially bonding experience as couples remember their sealing and the covenants that they made together. Think of it as not neglecting your children for an evening but protecting them against an adversary that would destroy your marriage.

• Avoid spending time with “friends” of the opposite sex alone without your spouse. Although this kind of friendly interaction with other people may seem innocent, it opens your marriage up for the adversary to tempt and try a couple into infidelity. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and school buddies, but couples should resist this kind of rekindling of friendship. In an Ensign article, “Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, it states. Jane began a friendship with her coworker and said, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” insisted Jane when family members voiced concern over the time she was spending with a male co-worker. “We’re just friends.” This is the beginning of an opening for the adversary to work in your marriage. What may seem innocent at first can soon become a valued friendship, and then love can form in this friendship.

                With that love, the comparison of one’s spouse to the friendship is not a fair comparison because there is so much more involved in a marriage, like finances and children than in a friendship, where the only focus is each other. The comparison between the spouse and the friend will lead to emotional infidelity and eventually physical infidelity. In the story above, “What Jane didn’t realize was how hurt and upset Aaron felt at what she was doing. He felt betrayed and rejected and was even beginning to worry that Jane didn’t love him anymore. Jane talked as though their marriage was strong but, by her actions, she seemed to care more about her co-worker than her husband.”

                What might seem as an innocent friendship is damaging to a marriage and couples should consider not investing in these kinds of relationships outside of marriage? If a couple is to have friends, it should always include both members of the marriage with a friendship of another couple. One on one friendships outside of marriage is asking for trouble.

• Invest your heart and soul into your spouse. Little gestures that help you turn toward each other are key to keeping a marriage strong. Gottman mentions the magic six hours every week. Some of his council is: When your husband comes home, make sure to welcome him with open arms, no matter how hard the day has been caring for the children. When you depart each day pray together, kiss and hug for at least 6 seconds. Show love and appreciation each day for your spouse. A thank you and I appreciate you go a long way. Criticism gets you nowhere and only hurts feelings. Have a family council week to set your goals for the week and for eternity. Gottman says, “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 279). If you will work on your marriage and put energy into it, you will be able to be married for 33 years and beyond. It is possible, but it must be purposeful.

References:

Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, Ensign.

Gottman, John, M. The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, New York, 1999. 

Gridlock

One afternoon coming home from church we walked in the door and my husband started to complain about how messy the house was and that we needed to clean it. I did not respond well to this criticism and started pulling things off the refrigerator that had become cluttered with pictures and school projects from the kids. My husband responded with an increase in anger and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and escalated the situation by tossing plates onto the tile shattering them into hundreds of pieces. We were all in on this one and only my teenaged son coming between us caused us to calm down. Not a pretty sight and I am not proud of how I handled the situation, but the struggle over the level of cleanliness brought us to gridlock every time we approach the subject.

            So, I decided to use the dream exercise in Gottman’s book to discover what made this subject such a hot topic. Gottman stated, "gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of" (1999, p 238). His dream was to live in a home where he did not have to wade through piles of dishes and laundry every time he came home. He grew up in a home where they were extremely poor, and this fact caused his parents to horde every resource they could get a hold of in case they needed it. He wanted this to never be an issue in his family, so when there is a little disorder it triggers this feeling of hopelessness in his mind. Gottman said, "Our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood" (1999, p  238). I could see that my husband's childhood had a deep impact on how he felt about his home. He did not want to live in the clutter in his married life. 

            My dream was that people would always be more important than the dishes in the sink. My mother always has a tidy house, but she was never afraid to leave the mess behind to go on an adventure with her children. She always put us first over the dishes and the laundry. This was my dream that my first priority was to spend time with my children. If the toys were out and scattered, then that meant that we had an enjoyable day of play.

            When we took the time to understand each other’s dreams our gridlock became movable. I would make more effort to keep a tidy house and my husband agreed to not complain if things were out of place. I found that understanding the dream that he was coming from made it easier to make the effort to create an orderly home. He agreed that most of the time the house was clean and he agreed that he would make more effort to help and if he found something that was bothering him that he would clean it up instead of complaining about it.

            I was pleased with the transformation of our gridlock and find that we have left that gridlocked issue behind us. I am grateful for the strategies that I have learned in this class and intend to continue to improve and enrich my marriage for years to come.

Perpetual Problems

            According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p 138). In my experience, I would have to say that this is accurate. I’ll tell you a funny story to illustrate. One summer about 10 years ago I was enjoying mowing my yard. We had just purchased a new lawnmower and had just built a new house. I was loving the wide-open spaces in my new yard and not really paying attention to the detail of mowing the lawn. When my husband got home, he stormed in the house and yelled, “Which one of you kids didn’t move the sprinklers when you mowed the lawn?” Knowing that I was the culprit and not my kids, I sheepishly raised my hand. Not knowing that he was cussing out his wife, he said, “Oh, it was you. I guess that’s okay. I’ll just go and fix it.” I was glad that he had backed down to his complaint, but at the time I was pretty miffed.

            Now looking back, I can laugh at the incident, but I knew then just as I do now that he sees things differently than I do. He likes things exactly right and I don’t really pay much attention to how straight and tidy things need to be. We talked about this over the weekend when I asked him if this was a perpetual problem. He agreed that it was, but he decided in the last few years that he would make it perfect if he wanted it perfect, and I decided that I am trying harder to make things tidy. We still disagree over the level of cleanliness and order in the house, but we have learned to be softer in our approach to each other concerning this problem.

            I think that more than half of our problems are perpetual, but we have learned to love each other through our shortcomings. As Gottman stated, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming” (138). I agree. I couples are willing to find solutions to immovable problems they find themselves laughing about miss-cut grass instead of fighting about it.

Beware of Pride

In 1989 the Prophet President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called “Beware of Pride.” In his address, during the May 1989 conference, he made some very poignant prophecies about pride. The first statement that impacted me was:

• President Benson's first point, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

There are times when we are proud of our children and their accomplishments such as graduation.

But in President Benson’s talk, he says that there are no positive applications of pride. He said, “In the scriptures, there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby.” Therefore, it is understanding pride and knowing when it is creeping up on us in our lives and in our marriage that will help us overcome the cycle of pride.

• The second point, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

One of the pride games that we as a couple have played in the past is scorekeeping. My spouse and I tend to keep track of who has had the hardest week at work, and according to this measure who should do the dishes. Housework has always been a competition and now that both of us are working we keep score on who has done the most in the house recently. I caught myself feeling that way after a long weekend of working and getting home late Saturday night to a sink full of dishes. But instead of feeling picked on after a 70-hour week, I simply put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. When my husband came down after getting ready for church, he apologized for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. I simply said it is okay. I was grateful at that point that I put my pride aside and took five minutes to tidy up instead of complaining. I was grateful for the chapter I had just read that helped me see this pride game in my life. Our Sunday was pleasant, and we were able to turn toward each other because I was willing to put my pride aside. My love increased for my husband because I was able to serve him and he, in turn, cooked dinner for the family.

             

• Finally, President Benson stated: “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are” (May 1998 General Conference).

Sunday would have gone much differently if I had complained or criticized. The price paid would have been contention on one of our precious days of rest. The outcome would have been a feeling between us of competition instead of love. I can be humbler in my approach to my husband when it comes to housework. I can count my blessings that he does help a lot. He does a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and cooking. I do the laundry, dishes, and bathrooms. When I take the time to be humble and see these things, I can see better that the division of work is very fair and equitable. I thank the Lord every day for a spouse that is as caring and kind as my husband.

We all need to beware of pride and take a close and honest look at how pride affects our families and our relationship with our spouse. Forgiveness and humility can be effective tools to combat pride. I know that some of my most sorrowful times were the result of pride, however, when the Lord humbles me I am healed through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Turning Toward Each Other

         I was reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and I read about his principle #3. He explained, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…Many people think that the secret to reconnection with their partner is a vacation by the sea…[but] it only takes a small gesture to… turn towards each other.” When I read this, I was impacted by the simplicity of this principle. 

• When we were first married my husband would often make bids for attention that I was not paying attention too. I had many toddlers around me, and my focus was on them. He would often say that I was a little icy when it came to my affection for him. I hated it when he said that and did not really know what to do with that information. So, as most wives would, I just kept going the way I was going. I resented the fact that he was not satisfied with my efforts to be affectionate with him. I didn't understand what I was doing that was wrong. So, I focused on my boys and put this concern to the side. I had six boys, and this was overwhelming, to say the least. I was focused on them for the time being. 

           Then, As I read this principle if realized that this is what he meant. When he would make bids for my attention I could respond with little gestures or acts of kindness to fill his need for my affection. This week I focused on paying attention to his bids for attention and I found that he was responsive and affectionate back. This all happened in little minutes here and there. He would ask about dinner and I would tell him what we were having. Then I found that we would join in a team effort to make dinner. The interaction was wonderful. We were turning towards each other and spending valuable time together fixing a meal. 

• Such a small thing, but I have noticed a big difference in how he responds to me, and I especially noticed that I felt differently about him also. No longer was I resentful for his request, but my paradigm has shifted to a desire to respond to him by acknowledging his needs for attention, instead of thinking of his requests as a burden and just one more thing to add to my list. I now look for his bids for attention and think about how I turned toward him. This little exercise has made a difference in our marriage.

Edited by Gina Dawson on Feb 18 at 10:56am

Love Letters

            About 10 years ago my husband was going on a long business trip during our Anniversary. So, I wanted to do something special for him to take with him. For a whole week, I wrote a love letter for each day that he would be gone. Then before he left, I presented him with a stack of love letters with a date on each envelope to indicate the date he was to open the letter. As I was composing the letters I thought of times and memories in our lives that were especially special to me. I realized that as I wrote these love letters, I felt drawn to my partner. 

• Writing down the fond memories helped me focus on all the good and endearing qualities of my companion. He called every night thanking me for the letter and said that it helped him not miss me as much. I didn’t know it then, but I was building a love map for my husband. My fondness and admiration grew as I wrote each letter.

            In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He states, “the key to reinvigoration fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman 1999). Each of these love letters that I wrote to my husband helped me remember all the qualities and actions that drew us together as a couple. 

• Even now I go back and read love letters from our past and it helps me remember how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. When contention enters a marriage, it is difficult to remember these good times, and sometimes the contempt for each other can actually rewrite history. Many of the good times will transform themselves into a new creature and only the trials are remembered and not the triumphs. I realized that I needed to remember all the times and create a deep loyalty to my husband. In chapter six of Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen he said, “I read somewhere that Loyalty is greater than love…your loyalty to each other is what gives power to your covenants” (2013, p 73-74). I have felt this power as I learned to grow I fondness and admiration of my eternal companion. Writing the things that I loved about him in love letters was key to understanding and remembering how I felt about this man.

            The love letters have not stopped, and I often write them to him. I love surprising him with little notes and letters when he is not suspecting it. One time while waiting for him to finish his work, I wrote several love notes on his sticky note pad. Not just on the first note, but all the way through the stack. So, for the next year, he found special notes from his wife in his post-it note pad. He said that one of those notes would come up, usually on his worst days and it cheered him up. I leave letters in the visor of his car and under his pillow. I am grateful for this little language of love that we have had throughout our marriage and I have received many love letters in return. This little act of love has helped me grow in love for this man and I can see how my loyalty to him as a result of fostering my love and admiration for him.  

Resources:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, (1999), Harmony Books, New York.

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Hearts. (2013), Covenant Books, Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina. 

The Good Samaritan

I was impacted by the story of the Savior that Goddard uses in the first chapter of his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.” He relates the interaction of the Savior with a certain lawyer. We are all familiar with the scripture in Luke 10.25, “Master what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Instead of Jesus telling him what to do he asks, “What is written in the law? How readest thou?” (vs. 26). As I read this and contemplated some of the points that Goddard brought out about this scripture story, my mind was immediately taken to a recent conversation with my son.

                To give some background on the story, my daughter called me and said that she was coming to spend some time with her five-year-old son in a city that my son resides, but her brother, who lives in this city, was reluctant to give her a place to stay. My daughter has not lived a life that is consistent with the gospel, so I could see why my son was reluctant to have her stay. My son has young children and he would be concerned about the influence of his sister on his children.

                So, I felt like I should try to intervene between my two children. When he called, as he does each Sunday, I talked about pleasant things and fun things and enjoyed the grandchildren, but I thought the spirit was prompting me to talk of the request of his sister. I asked first how he felt about the request for shelter from his sister. Trying to follow the Savior’s example, I wanted him to express his answers first. “How do you feel about that?” He related how his sister makes him feel angry when she rolls her eyes at him when he talks about what he believes. “Have you talked to her about how that makes you feel.” He did not want to confront her because he hates confrontation. I asked him to pray about it and find out how the Lord felt about his decision to not give her a place to stay. I said, “I feel that she needs all of our love and understanding, even though we do not agree with her life choices.” Then both my son and his wife felt that the concern for the children was more important than charity for the sister. I told him that I understood that and that he should put his wife and children first. After a few minutes of addressing the question, he fell silent and shut down a bit. I would have to say that he was stonewalling.

                That night I did not sleep very well at all. Then when I read that account of the Good Samaritan, I wondered what the Lord would have me do as a mother. Should I continue to encourage my children to stay friends with their sister, or should I respect their wishes to keep her at an arms distance? I felt as I read the account of the Good Samaritan, told by Goddard. That my daughter could very much be the traveler taken by thieves. She is one of God’s children caught off-guard by the teachings of the world and taken by it. Does that mean that we should pass her by like the priest and the Levite, or should we always be there to bind up her wounds and carry her to safety?

                We all took the risks to take the long journey from Jerusalem to Jericho, and just because we have not fallen to thieves like my daughter, does that give us the right to make her an outcast in our family? My mind went to the Savior. What would he do if my daughter had asked Him for shelter? Absolutely, he would open his door wide to her and welcome her in. If we all knew our trials before we came; could this lost child of mine have known that she would make these choices. Or, is her suffering at the hands of her brother just a consequence of her choices. What would the Lord have me do as a mother of these two siblings? I am unsure at this time because I don’t know if I could soften the heart of my son without alienating him. I do know that this is going to take more prayer and fasting.