Tug of War

• I have a very good relationship with my daughters-in-law. For the most part, when my sons call me I tell them to work it out with their wives and counsel together. I always encourage them to have patience and realize that they are young and it is hard at first to find a balance between the wife's family rules and the family rules my sons grew up with. Polska explained it this way, "As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules'" (2000). This transition shows up in the marriages of my four sons who are married. 

• They all have had to adjust to the changes in their lives, but I am proud of how they have exercised patience and compassion as they approach these conflicts in family rules. I understand how difficult it can be to find balance. In Harper's book, he mentions, "Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife's mother giving the main tug on one end and the husband's mother at the other end. If this is the case, it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle" (p. 328). 

• However, my approach to a recent situation was not a bright shining example of a good mother-in-law. My only daughter was married to a man who exercised passive-aggressive abuse in their marriage.  They worked hard for 10 years to come to a healthy place in their marriage, but ultimately things fell apart. My daughter made some bad choices to try to escape the loneliness in her marriage, and my ex-son-in-law continued with his narcissistic attitudes toward his wife. So, they decided to divorce. 

Fast forward four years later, my daughter lost primary custody of her son through terrible lawyers on her side and a very good lawyer on his side. She has visitation for summer, Christmas and spring break. It is heartbreaking seeing how much she misses her son and how much my grandson misses his mother. Usually, it is the father who goes through this kind of misery, but in my daughter's case, she is the one who is always on the short end of the stick. Many tears are shed because of the lack of time that she gets with her son.

This spring break was unusually long because of the schools being out for sheltering in place to slow the spread of COVID-19. My daughter pleaded with her ex-husband to let her have more time with her son since he was not in school, but there was no give on the matter. She wanted to stand her ground, but ultimately the law was on his side. He called the cops and they called her and threatened her with arrest. 

• This is where I didn't exercise my good judgment and tried to advocate for my daughter. I called my ex-son-in-law and asked him to consider that it was not such a terrible thing for my daughter to spend more time with her son. He did not respond and hung up on me. I went through much sorrow watching my daughter suffer and the feelings of animosity increased toward a son-in-law, who I loved for many years. After reflection, I realize that I should have not got caught up in the fray of a custody dispute. The feelings of ill toward a son are not worth it.  Overstepping my bounds as a mother-in-law proved to be detrimental to my own peace and the peace between the two families.

Ultimately, the child caught in the middle will always pay the price. My daughter thinks that the divorce was a mistake because he has more power to hurt her now than he ever did when they were married. I don't know why the primary custody holder of the child has to go on such a power trip. I know this situation will not get better until my grandson is 18, but I know that I can exercise proper boundaries as a mother-in-law and not get caught up in the power struggle. 

Harper in his book said, "parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son-or daughter-in-law" (2005). I think this also applies to children who are divorced. I'm determined to do this from this time and into the future.

• The grandma on the other side was a good example to me. After calling her to ask her to advocate for my daughter and talk to her son, she said, "We need to stay out of it and just be grandma and grandpa." She was absolutely right! My interference did nothing but break my heart, and it changed nothing. I wrote this post to solidify my determination to never do that again. If I ever find myself slipping back into becoming a buttinsky, I will go back and read what I wrote here. This will remind me to just be a grandma. 

Harper, J. M. (2005). Helping and Healing Our Families. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Poduska, B. E. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing Finances, Feelings and Family. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

Cutting the Apron Strings

• I often say to my friends who have young children and are struggling with the daily chaos, “It is easier to raise young children than adult children.” This is because they are still a big part of your life, but you have little say in the matter. In an address given at the BYU Conference of Family Life, (2008) Richard B. Miller stated, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” This is so true but I often long for the days when my children were all tucked around me safe and sound inside of the wings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Not only can we not expect them to obey us, but we really have no control over the things they do or the choices they make. The time for parents to control their children’s lives is over. I hope I have taught them sufficiently and they will make healthy choices.
• As painful as it is to let them make their own choices, it is ultimately the right and healthy thing to do as parents of adult children. Miller suggests, “It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families” (2008). We have tried to do this with our adult children and have always encouraged them to turn towards each other instead of us. We do give them counsel when they need support and comfort, but I always encourage them to turn to their Heavenly Father for the answers they are seeking. It is difficult to see them making decisions that will give them unhappiness, but they are often insistent they know what they need. The hardest thing about being a parent of adults is letting them make their own choices. They don’t have the life experience that we do, and they will make mistakes. It is comforting when they lean on you for advice and wisdom, but they will make their own choices. All we can do as a parent is to be there when they need a soft place to fall and to pray for them every day.

Photo: Courtesy of ABC/YouTube

• There is nothing so painful as witnessing an unhealthy parent-child relationship. This was magnified in a recent reality television show when the mother of the “Bachelor” insisted which of the women he should choose for his wife. The “Bachelor” decided to choose the one his mother wanted, but the engagement didn’t last for more than a month. This mother-in-law was labeled a villain by the viewers for her attempt to control her son. This made me realize that I cannot choose the spouses that my children marry and that any attempt to will most likely result in the son pushing away the future daughter-in-law of your choosing. Who says that you cannot learn anything from reality T.V.? (I know don’t condemn me for my reality indulgence.)
• President Kimball as quoted in Miller’s article said, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands, as well as wives, return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).” He says here that children can cherish parents' counsel, but ultimately, they need to make their own decisions.
• I still say that raising adult children is the most demanding thing that I have ever done, but I must trust that the Lord loves them more than I do. He will watch over them and gently guide them home to live with God and our forever family. This is my hope and prayer that His eye is continually upon them. I will be patient and cheer for them at a distance and love them when they arrive at my doorstep.

Marriage and Fidelity

             As a couple that has been married for 33 years, I have seen threats to our marriage come and go. I would like to mention a few things that have safeguarded our marriage and have kept us together for this life and all eternity.

• Remember to spend time together.

Life gets busy as we all know it and it seems like date night can go by the wayside. Financial difficulties, work and children demands pull at our attention, and just plain exhaustion can make going out on a date an unnecessary indulgence. But I would say that it is not an indulgence, but an essential need for a couple to have alone time together, without the kids. As much as you love your kids and would trust them with no one else, getting a babysitter is not only good for them but good for your marriage. The friendship that you kindle during your date nights will strengthen you through the rough trials of life. In Gottman’s book, he mentions date night, “This just-the-two-of-you time can be relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

                If you neglect date night you are putting your relationship at risk as a couple will grow apart. You will not be up to date with the dreams and goals of your partner and this distance will leave your precious marriage open to the adversary, who will swoop in to cause discord. Temple attendance for date night can be an especially bonding experience as couples remember their sealing and the covenants that they made together. Think of it as not neglecting your children for an evening but protecting them against an adversary that would destroy your marriage.

• Avoid spending time with “friends” of the opposite sex alone without your spouse. Although this kind of friendly interaction with other people may seem innocent, it opens your marriage up for the adversary to tempt and try a couple into infidelity. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and school buddies, but couples should resist this kind of rekindling of friendship. In an Ensign article, “Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, it states. Jane began a friendship with her coworker and said, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” insisted Jane when family members voiced concern over the time she was spending with a male co-worker. “We’re just friends.” This is the beginning of an opening for the adversary to work in your marriage. What may seem innocent at first can soon become a valued friendship, and then love can form in this friendship.

                With that love, the comparison of one’s spouse to the friendship is not a fair comparison because there is so much more involved in a marriage, like finances and children than in a friendship, where the only focus is each other. The comparison between the spouse and the friend will lead to emotional infidelity and eventually physical infidelity. In the story above, “What Jane didn’t realize was how hurt and upset Aaron felt at what she was doing. He felt betrayed and rejected and was even beginning to worry that Jane didn’t love him anymore. Jane talked as though their marriage was strong but, by her actions, she seemed to care more about her co-worker than her husband.”

                What might seem as an innocent friendship is damaging to a marriage and couples should consider not investing in these kinds of relationships outside of marriage? If a couple is to have friends, it should always include both members of the marriage with a friendship of another couple. One on one friendships outside of marriage is asking for trouble.

• Invest your heart and soul into your spouse. Little gestures that help you turn toward each other are key to keeping a marriage strong. Gottman mentions the magic six hours every week. Some of his council is: When your husband comes home, make sure to welcome him with open arms, no matter how hard the day has been caring for the children. When you depart each day pray together, kiss and hug for at least 6 seconds. Show love and appreciation each day for your spouse. A thank you and I appreciate you go a long way. Criticism gets you nowhere and only hurts feelings. Have a family council week to set your goals for the week and for eternity. Gottman says, “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 279). If you will work on your marriage and put energy into it, you will be able to be married for 33 years and beyond. It is possible, but it must be purposeful.

References:

Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, Ensign.

Gottman, John, M. The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, New York, 1999. 

Gridlock

One afternoon coming home from church we walked in the door and my husband started to complain about how messy the house was and that we needed to clean it. I did not respond well to this criticism and started pulling things off the refrigerator that had become cluttered with pictures and school projects from the kids. My husband responded with an increase in anger and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and escalated the situation by tossing plates onto the tile shattering them into hundreds of pieces. We were all in on this one and only my teenaged son coming between us caused us to calm down. Not a pretty sight and I am not proud of how I handled the situation, but the struggle over the level of cleanliness brought us to gridlock every time we approach the subject.

            So, I decided to use the dream exercise in Gottman’s book to discover what made this subject such a hot topic. Gottman stated, "gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of" (1999, p 238). His dream was to live in a home where he did not have to wade through piles of dishes and laundry every time he came home. He grew up in a home where they were extremely poor, and this fact caused his parents to horde every resource they could get a hold of in case they needed it. He wanted this to never be an issue in his family, so when there is a little disorder it triggers this feeling of hopelessness in his mind. Gottman said, "Our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood" (1999, p  238). I could see that my husband's childhood had a deep impact on how he felt about his home. He did not want to live in the clutter in his married life. 

            My dream was that people would always be more important than the dishes in the sink. My mother always has a tidy house, but she was never afraid to leave the mess behind to go on an adventure with her children. She always put us first over the dishes and the laundry. This was my dream that my first priority was to spend time with my children. If the toys were out and scattered, then that meant that we had an enjoyable day of play.

            When we took the time to understand each other’s dreams our gridlock became movable. I would make more effort to keep a tidy house and my husband agreed to not complain if things were out of place. I found that understanding the dream that he was coming from made it easier to make the effort to create an orderly home. He agreed that most of the time the house was clean and he agreed that he would make more effort to help and if he found something that was bothering him that he would clean it up instead of complaining about it.

            I was pleased with the transformation of our gridlock and find that we have left that gridlocked issue behind us. I am grateful for the strategies that I have learned in this class and intend to continue to improve and enrich my marriage for years to come.

Perpetual Problems

            According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p 138). In my experience, I would have to say that this is accurate. I’ll tell you a funny story to illustrate. One summer about 10 years ago I was enjoying mowing my yard. We had just purchased a new lawnmower and had just built a new house. I was loving the wide-open spaces in my new yard and not really paying attention to the detail of mowing the lawn. When my husband got home, he stormed in the house and yelled, “Which one of you kids didn’t move the sprinklers when you mowed the lawn?” Knowing that I was the culprit and not my kids, I sheepishly raised my hand. Not knowing that he was cussing out his wife, he said, “Oh, it was you. I guess that’s okay. I’ll just go and fix it.” I was glad that he had backed down to his complaint, but at the time I was pretty miffed.

            Now looking back, I can laugh at the incident, but I knew then just as I do now that he sees things differently than I do. He likes things exactly right and I don’t really pay much attention to how straight and tidy things need to be. We talked about this over the weekend when I asked him if this was a perpetual problem. He agreed that it was, but he decided in the last few years that he would make it perfect if he wanted it perfect, and I decided that I am trying harder to make things tidy. We still disagree over the level of cleanliness and order in the house, but we have learned to be softer in our approach to each other concerning this problem.

            I think that more than half of our problems are perpetual, but we have learned to love each other through our shortcomings. As Gottman stated, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming” (138). I agree. I couples are willing to find solutions to immovable problems they find themselves laughing about miss-cut grass instead of fighting about it.

Beware of Pride

In 1989 the Prophet President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called “Beware of Pride.” In his address, during the May 1989 conference, he made some very poignant prophecies about pride. The first statement that impacted me was:

• President Benson's first point, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

There are times when we are proud of our children and their accomplishments such as graduation.

But in President Benson’s talk, he says that there are no positive applications of pride. He said, “In the scriptures, there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby.” Therefore, it is understanding pride and knowing when it is creeping up on us in our lives and in our marriage that will help us overcome the cycle of pride.

• The second point, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

One of the pride games that we as a couple have played in the past is scorekeeping. My spouse and I tend to keep track of who has had the hardest week at work, and according to this measure who should do the dishes. Housework has always been a competition and now that both of us are working we keep score on who has done the most in the house recently. I caught myself feeling that way after a long weekend of working and getting home late Saturday night to a sink full of dishes. But instead of feeling picked on after a 70-hour week, I simply put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. When my husband came down after getting ready for church, he apologized for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. I simply said it is okay. I was grateful at that point that I put my pride aside and took five minutes to tidy up instead of complaining. I was grateful for the chapter I had just read that helped me see this pride game in my life. Our Sunday was pleasant, and we were able to turn toward each other because I was willing to put my pride aside. My love increased for my husband because I was able to serve him and he, in turn, cooked dinner for the family.

             

• Finally, President Benson stated: “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are” (May 1998 General Conference).

Sunday would have gone much differently if I had complained or criticized. The price paid would have been contention on one of our precious days of rest. The outcome would have been a feeling between us of competition instead of love. I can be humbler in my approach to my husband when it comes to housework. I can count my blessings that he does help a lot. He does a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and cooking. I do the laundry, dishes, and bathrooms. When I take the time to be humble and see these things, I can see better that the division of work is very fair and equitable. I thank the Lord every day for a spouse that is as caring and kind as my husband.

We all need to beware of pride and take a close and honest look at how pride affects our families and our relationship with our spouse. Forgiveness and humility can be effective tools to combat pride. I know that some of my most sorrowful times were the result of pride, however, when the Lord humbles me I am healed through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Turning Toward Each Other

         I was reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and I read about his principle #3. He explained, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…Many people think that the secret to reconnection with their partner is a vacation by the sea…[but] it only takes a small gesture to… turn towards each other.” When I read this, I was impacted by the simplicity of this principle. 

• When we were first married my husband would often make bids for attention that I was not paying attention too. I had many toddlers around me, and my focus was on them. He would often say that I was a little icy when it came to my affection for him. I hated it when he said that and did not really know what to do with that information. So, as most wives would, I just kept going the way I was going. I resented the fact that he was not satisfied with my efforts to be affectionate with him. I didn't understand what I was doing that was wrong. So, I focused on my boys and put this concern to the side. I had six boys, and this was overwhelming, to say the least. I was focused on them for the time being. 

           Then, As I read this principle if realized that this is what he meant. When he would make bids for my attention I could respond with little gestures or acts of kindness to fill his need for my affection. This week I focused on paying attention to his bids for attention and I found that he was responsive and affectionate back. This all happened in little minutes here and there. He would ask about dinner and I would tell him what we were having. Then I found that we would join in a team effort to make dinner. The interaction was wonderful. We were turning towards each other and spending valuable time together fixing a meal. 

• Such a small thing, but I have noticed a big difference in how he responds to me, and I especially noticed that I felt differently about him also. No longer was I resentful for his request, but my paradigm has shifted to a desire to respond to him by acknowledging his needs for attention, instead of thinking of his requests as a burden and just one more thing to add to my list. I now look for his bids for attention and think about how I turned toward him. This little exercise has made a difference in our marriage.

Edited by Gina Dawson on Feb 18 at 10:56am