Cutting the Apron Strings

• I often say to my friends who have young children and are struggling with the daily chaos, “It is easier to raise young children than adult children.” This is because they are still a big part of your life, but you have little say in the matter. In an address given at the BYU Conference of Family Life, (2008) Richard B. Miller stated, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.” This is so true but I often long for the days when my children were all tucked around me safe and sound inside of the wings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Not only can we not expect them to obey us, but we really have no control over the things they do or the choices they make. The time for parents to control their children’s lives is over. I hope I have taught them sufficiently and they will make healthy choices.
• As painful as it is to let them make their own choices, it is ultimately the right and healthy thing to do as parents of adult children. Miller suggests, “It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families” (2008). We have tried to do this with our adult children and have always encouraged them to turn towards each other instead of us. We do give them counsel when they need support and comfort, but I always encourage them to turn to their Heavenly Father for the answers they are seeking. It is difficult to see them making decisions that will give them unhappiness, but they are often insistent they know what they need. The hardest thing about being a parent of adults is letting them make their own choices. They don’t have the life experience that we do, and they will make mistakes. It is comforting when they lean on you for advice and wisdom, but they will make their own choices. All we can do as a parent is to be there when they need a soft place to fall and to pray for them every day.

Photo: Courtesy of ABC/YouTube

• There is nothing so painful as witnessing an unhealthy parent-child relationship. This was magnified in a recent reality television show when the mother of the “Bachelor” insisted which of the women he should choose for his wife. The “Bachelor” decided to choose the one his mother wanted, but the engagement didn’t last for more than a month. This mother-in-law was labeled a villain by the viewers for her attempt to control her son. This made me realize that I cannot choose the spouses that my children marry and that any attempt to will most likely result in the son pushing away the future daughter-in-law of your choosing. Who says that you cannot learn anything from reality T.V.? (I know don’t condemn me for my reality indulgence.)
• President Kimball as quoted in Miller’s article said, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands, as well as wives, return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).” He says here that children can cherish parents' counsel, but ultimately, they need to make their own decisions.
• I still say that raising adult children is the most demanding thing that I have ever done, but I must trust that the Lord loves them more than I do. He will watch over them and gently guide them home to live with God and our forever family. This is my hope and prayer that His eye is continually upon them. I will be patient and cheer for them at a distance and love them when they arrive at my doorstep.

Marriage and Fidelity

             As a couple that has been married for 33 years, I have seen threats to our marriage come and go. I would like to mention a few things that have safeguarded our marriage and have kept us together for this life and all eternity.

• Remember to spend time together.

Life gets busy as we all know it and it seems like date night can go by the wayside. Financial difficulties, work and children demands pull at our attention, and just plain exhaustion can make going out on a date an unnecessary indulgence. But I would say that it is not an indulgence, but an essential need for a couple to have alone time together, without the kids. As much as you love your kids and would trust them with no one else, getting a babysitter is not only good for them but good for your marriage. The friendship that you kindle during your date nights will strengthen you through the rough trials of life. In Gottman’s book, he mentions date night, “This just-the-two-of-you time can be relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

                If you neglect date night you are putting your relationship at risk as a couple will grow apart. You will not be up to date with the dreams and goals of your partner and this distance will leave your precious marriage open to the adversary, who will swoop in to cause discord. Temple attendance for date night can be an especially bonding experience as couples remember their sealing and the covenants that they made together. Think of it as not neglecting your children for an evening but protecting them against an adversary that would destroy your marriage.

• Avoid spending time with “friends” of the opposite sex alone without your spouse. Although this kind of friendly interaction with other people may seem innocent, it opens your marriage up for the adversary to tempt and try a couple into infidelity. Social media makes it easy to reconnect with past friends and school buddies, but couples should resist this kind of rekindling of friendship. In an Ensign article, “Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, it states. Jane began a friendship with her coworker and said, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” insisted Jane when family members voiced concern over the time she was spending with a male co-worker. “We’re just friends.” This is the beginning of an opening for the adversary to work in your marriage. What may seem innocent at first can soon become a valued friendship, and then love can form in this friendship.

                With that love, the comparison of one’s spouse to the friendship is not a fair comparison because there is so much more involved in a marriage, like finances and children than in a friendship, where the only focus is each other. The comparison between the spouse and the friend will lead to emotional infidelity and eventually physical infidelity. In the story above, “What Jane didn’t realize was how hurt and upset Aaron felt at what she was doing. He felt betrayed and rejected and was even beginning to worry that Jane didn’t love him anymore. Jane talked as though their marriage was strong but, by her actions, she seemed to care more about her co-worker than her husband.”

                What might seem as an innocent friendship is damaging to a marriage and couples should consider not investing in these kinds of relationships outside of marriage? If a couple is to have friends, it should always include both members of the marriage with a friendship of another couple. One on one friendships outside of marriage is asking for trouble.

• Invest your heart and soul into your spouse. Little gestures that help you turn toward each other are key to keeping a marriage strong. Gottman mentions the magic six hours every week. Some of his council is: When your husband comes home, make sure to welcome him with open arms, no matter how hard the day has been caring for the children. When you depart each day pray together, kiss and hug for at least 6 seconds. Show love and appreciation each day for your spouse. A thank you and I appreciate you go a long way. Criticism gets you nowhere and only hurts feelings. Have a family council week to set your goals for the week and for eternity. Gottman says, “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 279). If you will work on your marriage and put energy into it, you will be able to be married for 33 years and beyond. It is possible, but it must be purposeful.

References:

Fidelity in Marriage,” September 2009, Ensign.

Gottman, John, M. The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, New York, 1999. 

Gridlock

One afternoon coming home from church we walked in the door and my husband started to complain about how messy the house was and that we needed to clean it. I did not respond well to this criticism and started pulling things off the refrigerator that had become cluttered with pictures and school projects from the kids. My husband responded with an increase in anger and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and escalated the situation by tossing plates onto the tile shattering them into hundreds of pieces. We were all in on this one and only my teenaged son coming between us caused us to calm down. Not a pretty sight and I am not proud of how I handled the situation, but the struggle over the level of cleanliness brought us to gridlock every time we approach the subject.

            So, I decided to use the dream exercise in Gottman’s book to discover what made this subject such a hot topic. Gottman stated, "gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of" (1999, p 238). His dream was to live in a home where he did not have to wade through piles of dishes and laundry every time he came home. He grew up in a home where they were extremely poor, and this fact caused his parents to horde every resource they could get a hold of in case they needed it. He wanted this to never be an issue in his family, so when there is a little disorder it triggers this feeling of hopelessness in his mind. Gottman said, "Our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood" (1999, p  238). I could see that my husband's childhood had a deep impact on how he felt about his home. He did not want to live in the clutter in his married life. 

            My dream was that people would always be more important than the dishes in the sink. My mother always has a tidy house, but she was never afraid to leave the mess behind to go on an adventure with her children. She always put us first over the dishes and the laundry. This was my dream that my first priority was to spend time with my children. If the toys were out and scattered, then that meant that we had an enjoyable day of play.

            When we took the time to understand each other’s dreams our gridlock became movable. I would make more effort to keep a tidy house and my husband agreed to not complain if things were out of place. I found that understanding the dream that he was coming from made it easier to make the effort to create an orderly home. He agreed that most of the time the house was clean and he agreed that he would make more effort to help and if he found something that was bothering him that he would clean it up instead of complaining about it.

            I was pleased with the transformation of our gridlock and find that we have left that gridlocked issue behind us. I am grateful for the strategies that I have learned in this class and intend to continue to improve and enrich my marriage for years to come.

Perpetual Problems

            According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual (p 138). In my experience, I would have to say that this is accurate. I’ll tell you a funny story to illustrate. One summer about 10 years ago I was enjoying mowing my yard. We had just purchased a new lawnmower and had just built a new house. I was loving the wide-open spaces in my new yard and not really paying attention to the detail of mowing the lawn. When my husband got home, he stormed in the house and yelled, “Which one of you kids didn’t move the sprinklers when you mowed the lawn?” Knowing that I was the culprit and not my kids, I sheepishly raised my hand. Not knowing that he was cussing out his wife, he said, “Oh, it was you. I guess that’s okay. I’ll just go and fix it.” I was glad that he had backed down to his complaint, but at the time I was pretty miffed.

            Now looking back, I can laugh at the incident, but I knew then just as I do now that he sees things differently than I do. He likes things exactly right and I don’t really pay much attention to how straight and tidy things need to be. We talked about this over the weekend when I asked him if this was a perpetual problem. He agreed that it was, but he decided in the last few years that he would make it perfect if he wanted it perfect, and I decided that I am trying harder to make things tidy. We still disagree over the level of cleanliness and order in the house, but we have learned to be softer in our approach to each other concerning this problem.

            I think that more than half of our problems are perpetual, but we have learned to love each other through our shortcomings. As Gottman stated, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming” (138). I agree. I couples are willing to find solutions to immovable problems they find themselves laughing about miss-cut grass instead of fighting about it.