Beware of Pride

In 1989 the Prophet President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk called “Beware of Pride.” In his address, during the May 1989 conference, he made some very poignant prophecies about pride. The first statement that impacted me was:

• President Benson's first point, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

There are times when we are proud of our children and their accomplishments such as graduation.

But in President Benson’s talk, he says that there are no positive applications of pride. He said, “In the scriptures, there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby.” Therefore, it is understanding pride and knowing when it is creeping up on us in our lives and in our marriage that will help us overcome the cycle of pride.

• The second point, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”

One of the pride games that we as a couple have played in the past is scorekeeping. My spouse and I tend to keep track of who has had the hardest week at work, and according to this measure who should do the dishes. Housework has always been a competition and now that both of us are working we keep score on who has done the most in the house recently. I caught myself feeling that way after a long weekend of working and getting home late Saturday night to a sink full of dishes. But instead of feeling picked on after a 70-hour week, I simply put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. When my husband came down after getting ready for church, he apologized for leaving a sink full of dirty dishes. I simply said it is okay. I was grateful at that point that I put my pride aside and took five minutes to tidy up instead of complaining. I was grateful for the chapter I had just read that helped me see this pride game in my life. Our Sunday was pleasant, and we were able to turn toward each other because I was willing to put my pride aside. My love increased for my husband because I was able to serve him and he, in turn, cooked dinner for the family.

             

• Finally, President Benson stated: “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are” (May 1998 General Conference).

Sunday would have gone much differently if I had complained or criticized. The price paid would have been contention on one of our precious days of rest. The outcome would have been a feeling between us of competition instead of love. I can be humbler in my approach to my husband when it comes to housework. I can count my blessings that he does help a lot. He does a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and cooking. I do the laundry, dishes, and bathrooms. When I take the time to be humble and see these things, I can see better that the division of work is very fair and equitable. I thank the Lord every day for a spouse that is as caring and kind as my husband.

We all need to beware of pride and take a close and honest look at how pride affects our families and our relationship with our spouse. Forgiveness and humility can be effective tools to combat pride. I know that some of my most sorrowful times were the result of pride, however, when the Lord humbles me I am healed through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Turning Toward Each Other

         I was reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and I read about his principle #3. He explained, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…Many people think that the secret to reconnection with their partner is a vacation by the sea…[but] it only takes a small gesture to… turn towards each other.” When I read this, I was impacted by the simplicity of this principle. 

• When we were first married my husband would often make bids for attention that I was not paying attention too. I had many toddlers around me, and my focus was on them. He would often say that I was a little icy when it came to my affection for him. I hated it when he said that and did not really know what to do with that information. So, as most wives would, I just kept going the way I was going. I resented the fact that he was not satisfied with my efforts to be affectionate with him. I didn't understand what I was doing that was wrong. So, I focused on my boys and put this concern to the side. I had six boys, and this was overwhelming, to say the least. I was focused on them for the time being. 

           Then, As I read this principle if realized that this is what he meant. When he would make bids for my attention I could respond with little gestures or acts of kindness to fill his need for my affection. This week I focused on paying attention to his bids for attention and I found that he was responsive and affectionate back. This all happened in little minutes here and there. He would ask about dinner and I would tell him what we were having. Then I found that we would join in a team effort to make dinner. The interaction was wonderful. We were turning towards each other and spending valuable time together fixing a meal. 

• Such a small thing, but I have noticed a big difference in how he responds to me, and I especially noticed that I felt differently about him also. No longer was I resentful for his request, but my paradigm has shifted to a desire to respond to him by acknowledging his needs for attention, instead of thinking of his requests as a burden and just one more thing to add to my list. I now look for his bids for attention and think about how I turned toward him. This little exercise has made a difference in our marriage.

Edited by Gina Dawson on Feb 18 at 10:56am

Love Letters

            About 10 years ago my husband was going on a long business trip during our Anniversary. So, I wanted to do something special for him to take with him. For a whole week, I wrote a love letter for each day that he would be gone. Then before he left, I presented him with a stack of love letters with a date on each envelope to indicate the date he was to open the letter. As I was composing the letters I thought of times and memories in our lives that were especially special to me. I realized that as I wrote these love letters, I felt drawn to my partner. 

• Writing down the fond memories helped me focus on all the good and endearing qualities of my companion. He called every night thanking me for the letter and said that it helped him not miss me as much. I didn’t know it then, but I was building a love map for my husband. My fondness and admiration grew as I wrote each letter.

            In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He states, “the key to reinvigoration fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman 1999). Each of these love letters that I wrote to my husband helped me remember all the qualities and actions that drew us together as a couple. 

• Even now I go back and read love letters from our past and it helps me remember how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. When contention enters a marriage, it is difficult to remember these good times, and sometimes the contempt for each other can actually rewrite history. Many of the good times will transform themselves into a new creature and only the trials are remembered and not the triumphs. I realized that I needed to remember all the times and create a deep loyalty to my husband. In chapter six of Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen he said, “I read somewhere that Loyalty is greater than love…your loyalty to each other is what gives power to your covenants” (2013, p 73-74). I have felt this power as I learned to grow I fondness and admiration of my eternal companion. Writing the things that I loved about him in love letters was key to understanding and remembering how I felt about this man.

            The love letters have not stopped, and I often write them to him. I love surprising him with little notes and letters when he is not suspecting it. One time while waiting for him to finish his work, I wrote several love notes on his sticky note pad. Not just on the first note, but all the way through the stack. So, for the next year, he found special notes from his wife in his post-it note pad. He said that one of those notes would come up, usually on his worst days and it cheered him up. I leave letters in the visor of his car and under his pillow. I am grateful for this little language of love that we have had throughout our marriage and I have received many love letters in return. This little act of love has helped me grow in love for this man and I can see how my loyalty to him as a result of fostering my love and admiration for him.  

Resources:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, (1999), Harmony Books, New York.

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Hearts. (2013), Covenant Books, Murrell's Inlet, South Carolina. 

The Good Samaritan

I was impacted by the story of the Savior that Goddard uses in the first chapter of his book, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.” He relates the interaction of the Savior with a certain lawyer. We are all familiar with the scripture in Luke 10.25, “Master what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” Instead of Jesus telling him what to do he asks, “What is written in the law? How readest thou?” (vs. 26). As I read this and contemplated some of the points that Goddard brought out about this scripture story, my mind was immediately taken to a recent conversation with my son.

                To give some background on the story, my daughter called me and said that she was coming to spend some time with her five-year-old son in a city that my son resides, but her brother, who lives in this city, was reluctant to give her a place to stay. My daughter has not lived a life that is consistent with the gospel, so I could see why my son was reluctant to have her stay. My son has young children and he would be concerned about the influence of his sister on his children.

                So, I felt like I should try to intervene between my two children. When he called, as he does each Sunday, I talked about pleasant things and fun things and enjoyed the grandchildren, but I thought the spirit was prompting me to talk of the request of his sister. I asked first how he felt about the request for shelter from his sister. Trying to follow the Savior’s example, I wanted him to express his answers first. “How do you feel about that?” He related how his sister makes him feel angry when she rolls her eyes at him when he talks about what he believes. “Have you talked to her about how that makes you feel.” He did not want to confront her because he hates confrontation. I asked him to pray about it and find out how the Lord felt about his decision to not give her a place to stay. I said, “I feel that she needs all of our love and understanding, even though we do not agree with her life choices.” Then both my son and his wife felt that the concern for the children was more important than charity for the sister. I told him that I understood that and that he should put his wife and children first. After a few minutes of addressing the question, he fell silent and shut down a bit. I would have to say that he was stonewalling.

                That night I did not sleep very well at all. Then when I read that account of the Good Samaritan, I wondered what the Lord would have me do as a mother. Should I continue to encourage my children to stay friends with their sister, or should I respect their wishes to keep her at an arms distance? I felt as I read the account of the Good Samaritan, told by Goddard. That my daughter could very much be the traveler taken by thieves. She is one of God’s children caught off-guard by the teachings of the world and taken by it. Does that mean that we should pass her by like the priest and the Levite, or should we always be there to bind up her wounds and carry her to safety?

                We all took the risks to take the long journey from Jerusalem to Jericho, and just because we have not fallen to thieves like my daughter, does that give us the right to make her an outcast in our family? My mind went to the Savior. What would he do if my daughter had asked Him for shelter? Absolutely, he would open his door wide to her and welcome her in. If we all knew our trials before we came; could this lost child of mine have known that she would make these choices. Or, is her suffering at the hands of her brother just a consequence of her choices. What would the Lord have me do as a mother of these two siblings? I am unsure at this time because I don’t know if I could soften the heart of my son without alienating him. I do know that this is going to take more prayer and fasting.