The Wolves of Marriage

                When I was young, wolves fascinated me. I thought they were beautiful animals. They were furry and wild and took care of their young. But as I grew older, I realized that out in the wild wolves can be extremely dangerous. Because they hunt in packs, they are a formidable force. Out in the wild of this life, marriage is vulnerable to threats from the adversary.

                Elder Bruce Hafen of the Seventy mentioned three wolves that threaten marriage. The first wolf is natural adversity. One of the first significant challenges to our marriage came as natural adversity. Our fifth child was born at 28 weeks. His premature birth threw our little family into a tailspin. After my water broke at 24 weeks, I was on bed rest in the hospital. During this time, my husband had to travel back and forth from Idaho to Utah to work and keep track of our four other children. I was constantly worried about the life of my little boy. But the Lord blessed us, and he was born at 2 lbs. and 2 oz. Our baby stayed in the NICU for another six weeks until his lungs developed. Finally, on his due date, he was healthy enough to join our little family. When we got in the car with our little 5-pound baby safe in his car seat, we looked at each other and wept. This struggle was the most difficult that our marriage had faced, and the toll was enormous, but the more that we looked to the Lord for strength and comfort the closer we became. This first wolf had brought us closer together instead of tearing us apart because we were willing to look to the Lord for strength.

                The second wolf that Elder Hafen mentions in his November 1996 Ensign article is the wolf of our own imperfections. In our marriage, I would say that my husband and I had some miscommunication on the care of the house.  This disagreement between the two of us created a wedge in our marriage. We had just built a new house and the added stress of a bigger mortgage added fuel to our disagreements. I remember feeling anxious when it was time for him to return home. I did nothing to diffuse the problem and many times I got angry for unimportant things. I did not know how to communicate with him on this matter. For the first time in our marriage, I did not know if I wanted to stay. But then I turned to the Lord for help and pled with him to soften my heart toward my husband. My husband did the same and we decided it was time for help. Counseling helped us understand each other and come to a more positive communication style. I thank the Lord every day for guiding me to find help. Every couple needs guidance and help from an outside source at times. This wolf of our own imperfections affects most couples and it takes prayer and humility to come back to an understanding.

                The third wolf that Elder Hafen mentions is excessive individualism. In this world, today men and women are expected to be independent of each other. When we got married, I believed that we should be united as a couple heart and soul, but in the uniting, I felt that I was losing myself. I wanted all the accolades of the world that I felt other women were getting. They had education, challenging careers, and children. They seemed to have it all. I chose to be a stay at home mom and forego my education, but I longed for the praise of the world. A woman can only watch Disney movies for the fiftieth time before she wonders if she made the right choice to stay home. I dreamt of a different life other than my own, and this created distance between us. Again, I turned to the Lord and felt a warm comforting feeling that I was doing what I was meant to do. Later I was able to finish my education through Pathway and Brigham Young University, and now here I am in my last semester.

                Looking back, I know that every couple is given trials to overcome. This will strengthen the marriage if they both turn to the Lord for help as they turn to each other. I know that our trials are not over, and they will just keep coming, but I am grateful that we stayed together and worked it out. I believe that we can be together forever. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who wants this for us.

Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman

For generations of time marriage is the union between a man and a woman. These are pictures of my grandparents and great grandparents. All of them were married and had big families full of children and love. All of them were sealed in the temple as man and wife. The institution of marriage protected the children from any outside sources that would separate them from their parents and siblings. Because a man and a woman are married, they are entitled to protection from the state for their family. This practice of marriage between and a man and a woman go back for 10 generations of time in my ancestry. Civilization and society recognize that a healthy society stems from the raising of children in families. Without the strength of family, societies will struggle.

Therefore, many governments are invested in the protection of the family as defined as the marriage of one man and one woman. In an address before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee, Ryan Anderson, who is a member of the Heritage Foundation, which is a nonpartisan think tank in Washington DC, testified, "Marriage exists to unite a man and woman as a husband and wife to then be equipped to be mother and father to any children that union produces. It is based on the biological fact that men and women are distinct and complementary. It’s based on the anthropological truth that reproduction requires a man and a woman. It is based on the social reality that children deserve a mother and a father" (Ryan Anderson,2014). This is true in every aspect of the question of same-sex marriage. It is an advantage of society to protect and support marriage because it produces children that are happy and healthy. Societies are protecting their future when they support families. Why does it matter that the definition of marriage is changed? It matters because marriage outside of the definition of man and woman does not create healthy children. In their rush to change all the laws that states had put into place, the Supreme Court did an injustice to the children of America and all of its citizens.

The change in the definition of marriage, in 2015, defied all government and constitutional laws. It was not in the right of the Supreme Court to overrule the laws that were passed in almost every state. This kind of ruling robed the people of deciding for themselves how they wanted to define marriage. Justice Roberts in his dissenting argument stated, “Federal courts are blunt instruments when it comes to creating rights. They have constitutional power only to resolve concrete cases or controversies; they do not have the flexibility of legislatures to address concerns of parties not before the court or to anticipate problems that may arise from the exercise of a new right” (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).In other words, the bench took on the job of being legislators and changed the definition despite all the separation of powers that the founding fathers put in the constitution.

Ultimately, changing the definition of marriage creates a social expectation that everyone believes as five justices of the Supreme Court ruling states. Any dissension to the ruling of the Supreme Court is met with name-calling. The Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that every state is required to issue marriage licenses to any couple regardless if they are man and woman or of the same sex. In 2015 Justice Kennedy puts forth a very eloquent and persuasive argument. He states, "Far from seeking to devalue marriage, the petitioners seek it for themselves because of their respect—and need—for its privileges and responsibilities. And their immutable nature dictates that same-sex marriage is their only real path to this profound commitment" (Obergefell vs. Hodges, 2015).  This might be what the court said they wanted, but the opposite is the reality of society five years after this ruling. 

The ever-increasing pressure to agree with this statement is weaved into every media source in existence. A family cannot turn on the television or view a movie without being inundated with images of same-sex couples. There are images in every sitcom, movie, and even images showing up in commercials. The desensitizing of America is in full force. This is done to the extent that these ideals are almost commonplace in pop-culture. 

In addition to the desensitizing of America by the media, people of religious faith are not protected from proponents of same-sex marriage. There are no protections for people who want to continue to believe in the definition of marriage being between a man and a woman. By this ruling from the Supreme Court, there is a lack of protection for religious beliefs. Justice Roberts stated, “Respect for sincere religious conviction has led voters and legislators in every State that has adopted same-sex marriage democratically to include accommodations for dissenting religious practice” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015). This overruling of every state law that was passed concerning same-sex marriage creates a vulnerability for every religion that believes in the traditional definition of marriage. This has proven to be true with same-sex couples suing a business that refuses to participate in their marriage ceremony or church adoption agencies declining to place children with same-sex couples. This is a good indication that religion is at risk.

Further, children growing up in such a culture have no strength to counteract such an ideal. With constant bombarding from media, this kind of exposure creates a new generation of children who are not getting married as a man and a woman, nor are they raising families as such. They are practicing cohabitation, identifying as LBGT, and practicing immorality like it has no consequence. In one generation of our family, we are going from 10 generations of ancestors married as husband and wife and raising big families: to a generation where four children are identifying as LBGT, 7 are cohabitating with their partner, and 3 are divorced. This is just one generation of my family. The impact of this ruling is not as benign as Justice Kennedy led the pubic to believe. 

Finally, the impact of such an ideology being forced on American society is felt mostly by the children. In a dissenting opinion, Justice Alito stated, "This understanding of marriage, which focuses almost entirely on the happiness of persons who choose to marry, is shared by many people today, but it is not the traditional one. For millennia, marriage was inextricably linked to the one thing that only an opposite-sex couple can do: procreate” (Obergefell vs. Hodges,2015).  In the aftermath of the current generation’s choices, one little grandson said it so plainly, "Can't you and daddy live together?" It is every child's right to live with both of their parents and be raised by a mother and a father. In their childlike innocence, they know that this is the best way. They want to be raised by a mother and a father, but the rights of the children were overshadowed in this ruling.

Unfortunately, in the pursuit of exploring LBGT beliefs mothers or fathers leave the safety of the union between man and woman. To follow the ideals of the LBGT community so they can be true to who you really are. They leave spouses and children and explore all the wonderful freedoms that are placed at their feet. One generation ago this message was not blared out upon every media device and many entered a marriage between a man and a woman. It is the children who would say that their rights are the ones that are really at risk. So, what is the harm of leaving the traditions of our fathers behind? I fear it is the stability of our children's lives and the stability of our society that is really in peril. 

References:

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.

Ryan Anderson Testifies Before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee; January 13, 2014

Looking at the Stars

When I first met my husband, we were just kids. I was a sophomore in high school, and he was a senior. On one of our dates, we took the time to lie on the trampoline and gaze at the stars. We were full of hopes and dreams and thought that every dream was possible. I remember dreaming about being married to this boy and having lots of kids and a house that would become our home. We had found connection and friendship on those star-filled nights. I would say, "Look at the big dipper and imagine it full of the love I have for you." From then on, I would draw a big dipper on the bottom of the love letters I sent to him. This became our symbol of how much we loved each other. 

This kind of expression continued through our dating and courtship. I realize, now that we have been married for 33 years; it is the dreams that we built back then that kept us going. Through the most difficult trials, we knew that our love would fill the big dipper and flow over. We nourished our love with careful attention and expression, and it grew. Now, when the sky is full of stars and I see the big dipper, I remember how much I love this man. There are always distractions that will pull a couple apart, but when we focus on what it meant to love each other, nothing else matters. 

People often ask me how we stayed together. I often reply; it was because neither of us was willing to let go of the dream. We also surrounded ourselves with a supportive community. The community surrounding us is so key to strengthening the bond of marriage. Our community consisted of a supportive family and a ward family who were always willing to be there for us. This was true especially when we were first married. We had friends from the ward who spent time with us when our family was about 12 hours away. This made a difference in our strength as a couple. One must be aware of the conversations between friends and colleges. Ask yourself if your community of friends is moral in their lives? Do they talk about marriage and their spouses in a positive light? 

I had a friend who found a community of friends who did just the opposite. They would get together without their spouses and go hiking and participated in activities together, but most of the conversations were centered on bashing the spouse and complaining about the marriage. It was not long before this friend was divorced. My grandmother always said that you should never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone. This kind of speech will influence the feelings you have about them. In the May Ensign 2007, Dalin H. Oaks put it this way, "The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce." This admonition is not to discourage those who have divorced, but it points to the beginning of the thought process. If you are wanting to stay married, surround yourself with people and communities who do not talk of divorce and speak badly of their spouse.

Another thing that held us together was how a divorce would affect the children. In an article by Amato, he stated, “the weight of the evidence strongly suggests that growing up without two biological parents in the home increases children's risk of a variety of cognitive, emotional, and social problems.” I often would say to myself when trials surrounded us that, “My parents gave me a cherished and beautiful childhood, and I want to give my children the same childhood.” This mantra was on my lips constantly and it helped me get through the tough times. 

When the children are young it is a critical time in their lives and disrupting this time changes who they are and how they present themselves in this world. Having children is a privilege from God and they are a blessing to every couple. Be careful with their young hearts and minds and see if a little sacrifice to be patient can be a big part of making a difference in their lives. Let the children speak from their hearts and tell the parents what they are feeling. This might be the fuel needed to help a couple took beyond themselves to their children.

The evil surrounding many families in this day would encourage them to separate and dissolve the marriage covenant, but I would say to married couples out there to hold on and wait. The development and the art of patience and tolerance is an essential part of the work in marriage? When your spouse is driving you crazy and you do not think you can take it anymore; take a moment to breathe and look at the positive things that he/she brings to your life. Then look at what you can do to make the issue better. The only person we can change is ourselves. Finally, things do get easier and better. People mature and grow together as they have the tolerance and patience to see the other person and their needs. Working it out and holding on to the dreams of being married forever is just around the corner.

References

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, Dallin H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.