Tug of War

• I have a very good relationship with my daughters-in-law. For the most part, when my sons call me I tell them to work it out with their wives and counsel together. I always encourage them to have patience and realize that they are young and it is hard at first to find a balance between the wife's family rules and the family rules my sons grew up with. Polska explained it this way, "As you begin your transition from single life to married life with children, be assured you will have to overcome difficulties. Many of these difficulties may originate in something else you brought with you to your marriage: your separate sets of 'family rules'" (2000). This transition shows up in the marriages of my four sons who are married. 

• They all have had to adjust to the changes in their lives, but I am proud of how they have exercised patience and compassion as they approach these conflicts in family rules. I understand how difficult it can be to find balance. In Harper's book, he mentions, "Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife's mother giving the main tug on one end and the husband's mother at the other end. If this is the case, it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle" (p. 328). 

• However, my approach to a recent situation was not a bright shining example of a good mother-in-law. My only daughter was married to a man who exercised passive-aggressive abuse in their marriage.  They worked hard for 10 years to come to a healthy place in their marriage, but ultimately things fell apart. My daughter made some bad choices to try to escape the loneliness in her marriage, and my ex-son-in-law continued with his narcissistic attitudes toward his wife. So, they decided to divorce. 

Fast forward four years later, my daughter lost primary custody of her son through terrible lawyers on her side and a very good lawyer on his side. She has visitation for summer, Christmas and spring break. It is heartbreaking seeing how much she misses her son and how much my grandson misses his mother. Usually, it is the father who goes through this kind of misery, but in my daughter's case, she is the one who is always on the short end of the stick. Many tears are shed because of the lack of time that she gets with her son.

This spring break was unusually long because of the schools being out for sheltering in place to slow the spread of COVID-19. My daughter pleaded with her ex-husband to let her have more time with her son since he was not in school, but there was no give on the matter. She wanted to stand her ground, but ultimately the law was on his side. He called the cops and they called her and threatened her with arrest. 

• This is where I didn't exercise my good judgment and tried to advocate for my daughter. I called my ex-son-in-law and asked him to consider that it was not such a terrible thing for my daughter to spend more time with her son. He did not respond and hung up on me. I went through much sorrow watching my daughter suffer and the feelings of animosity increased toward a son-in-law, who I loved for many years. After reflection, I realize that I should have not got caught up in the fray of a custody dispute. The feelings of ill toward a son are not worth it.  Overstepping my bounds as a mother-in-law proved to be detrimental to my own peace and the peace between the two families.

Ultimately, the child caught in the middle will always pay the price. My daughter thinks that the divorce was a mistake because he has more power to hurt her now than he ever did when they were married. I don't know why the primary custody holder of the child has to go on such a power trip. I know this situation will not get better until my grandson is 18, but I know that I can exercise proper boundaries as a mother-in-law and not get caught up in the power struggle. 

Harper in his book said, "parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son-or daughter-in-law" (2005). I think this also applies to children who are divorced. I'm determined to do this from this time and into the future.

• The grandma on the other side was a good example to me. After calling her to ask her to advocate for my daughter and talk to her son, she said, "We need to stay out of it and just be grandma and grandpa." She was absolutely right! My interference did nothing but break my heart, and it changed nothing. I wrote this post to solidify my determination to never do that again. If I ever find myself slipping back into becoming a buttinsky, I will go back and read what I wrote here. This will remind me to just be a grandma. 

Harper, J. M. (2005). Helping and Healing Our Families. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Poduska, B. E. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing Finances, Feelings and Family. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.